The Text-Files

Posted by JV.

Throughout highschool and the beginning of college, my friends and I used to figure that if you got a girl's phone number, you were IN. Like a girl giving you her number meant you might as well have a stash of Magnums and morning after pills next to your bed for when she comes over cuz it's gonna happen. Then we slowly realized that sadly, this isn't the case. I've put together a scenario to explain what I'm talking about.

So you read Dating 101 and get inspired to hit on the Mischa Barton-blonde girl doing leg lunges at the gym. You start talking, about your day, her day, your chest, her chest...there’s some interest here. So before you can put down your Ultra-Power Vitamin-Enhanced Protein Energy Shake with Extra Protein, she gives you her number and suggests to call her sometime. So the rough part’s out of the way, right? Wrong. 

So you call her. No wait, you text her. That’s much safer rather than having to leave her one of those creepy voicemail messages if she doesn’t pick up. Think Jon Favreau, Swingers. You shoot her a cryptic text message. Here's what happens next:

If she responds to you, consider that a victory in itself. Go onto your iTunes, find Call on Me, and celebrate. But: What separates you from the really cute guy from the gym who she’d allow to play gynecologist for a night or three, from the really nice guy from the gym she wants to read her diary entries to? You really don’t know. But she does. Girls—excuse me, LMU girls, know way beforehand whether or not they would even consider doing squat workouts on your bed. Trust me, Mischa Barton sized you up before you finished sliding your OneCard at the Rec Center.

On the other hand, what if she doesn’t respond? Sure, there's a chance she turned off her cell phone. There's also a chance that ADG will win lip sync next year. Let's look at some realistic reasons... I mean a number of factors could have caused her to not respond to you: she was busy, she was with a friend, she was busy with your friend, who knows? But whatever the cause or reason, you are not important enough to get a response. An important thing to remember is that LMU girls want you to know who they know and who they don’t know to still know you. Not in a fraternity? Don’t show up religiously on Harry O Thursdays? Sanjay isn’t Facebook friends with you? Get your ass some publicity. And I don’t mean like Debbie Does Dallas. Unless of course, you’re into that sort of thing. 

What have we learned here?

(1) Getting a number from an LMU girl does not guarantee anything. Forget about that “Naughty Nurse” from UCSB last Halloween. LMU girls are a different breed; for better or for worse.

(2) Text her first rather than call her. A phone call after only meeting her once is as risky as fording the river with one ox left.

(3) Don’t underestimate campus popularity. LMU girls are less likely to respond to a phone call, text message, or caresses of their upper thigh if they don’t know you or have heard of you. Make yourself known. Reveal your Mini-Feed and start writing witty wall posts to everyone you know. Not only will you receive a return wall post every once in awhile, everyone will know you as that guy who writes on everyone’s wall so that they will write on your wall so that it will make you look that much cooler e.g. John Jorgensen.

The next time you get a number from an LMU girl, take a step back and realize that just because you got it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are better off than you were before. Cheers. 

Comments

[Alyssa Holden]

You know, I'd have to say I concur with you on all of this. The fact of the matter is that in today's world, most girls (and I include myself in this) aren't sure whether or not the guy that has suddenly tracked them down is either a) into dropping roofies in your Rum and Diet Coke at Harry O's (or that bus party you never should have gone to...); b) a sex offender with a fetish for child porn; or c) completely harmless (extremely rare). I personally get sketched out when the guy calls immediately after meeting (or friend requesting you...not sure how he got the number, but hey, it's LMU - anything goes). If you DO receive a text back, consider it a job well done because obviously you do not fall into the first 2 categories. Ultimately, most girls are trying to assess what it is you want from them and because most of the males at this school tend to exude a "I've-gone-to-an-all-boys-Catholic-school-since-I-popped-out-of-the-womb" demeanor, it has caused the devolution to the elusive text message. I, personally, am not a fan of texting (I think it's a cop out), but in situations such as this it is absolutely necessary so I suppose that makes me a hypocrite in one sense or another. Oh, and tell all of your boys that flirting via instant messenger is quite possibly the lamest thing an individual can do to "hook" a girl. Other than that, you are right on par. Cheers.

[Jay]

I cybered this girl doggy-style the other night, Alyssa, does that count as online flirting?

[Alyssa Holden]

Well, Sanjay, in your case I think that goes without saying.

[crystal b.]

for sure. i feel like guys think they are entitled to something, just cause they have my number. last halloween i gave this guy my number and he called me 1 hour later! then proceeded to text me 5 times a day and leave voicemails even though i didnt respond. im SOOO glad you wrote this. maybe the creepers out there will take your words to heart and leave girls the hell alone.

[JV]

Alyssa, can i get your number? I'll text you later...?

[Alyssa Holden]

JV, I have to say, I'm a little disheartened that you were unable to put your skills to use and track my number down...maybe if you learn to play with the big dogs you'll one day receive a responding text...until then, keep fighting the good fight.

[John]

wow. jv just got schooled... hard. hahahah

[Jay]

I JUST realized that you said, and I quote, "fording the river with one ox left..."
1) What the FUCK is fording?
2) Are oxen even real? How come I never see one?
3) Does the ox have to be on the right or something?
4) Where in the FUCK did you hear this "catchy" phrase -- the Almish country?

[John]

Dude have you never played "Oregon Trail"? Probably one of the best computer games ever made. Everyone played it in 4th grade. You were probably gone for the week when your class was playing the game because you got suspended for punching a girl on the playground.

Whenever I played Oregon Trail I would "Hunt" every time. The people in my caravan would always die from disease or starve eventually but I didn't care.

[Jay]

a) i was trying to hit the guy behind her
and
b) you oregon trail fuck