What Frat Should I Join?

[Editor's Note: We told you if we received something that was funny, we'd post it. This time, we don't even know who it's from... and to be honest, we don't care. The authors of You Are Sketch do not share the views of user-contributed articles, we just laugh at them. If you're easily offended, do yourself a favor and don't read this one. For the rest of you... enjoy, fuckers.]

Contributed by: "Richard Slimdick"

Hello freshmen students and welcome to Greek life!  Besides your crippling social anxiety , we're sure your first few weeks of college have been great. Drinking beer on school nights, trying to "make things work" with your high school girlfriend, and popping a boner during your first foam party. Greek life has always been predominantly vibrant on LMU's campus and even though you will not be able to rush until the upcoming spring semester, we still encourage you check out rush week.   We here at LMU know how difficult it can be to decide which fraternities you should consider rushing and although all of them offer essentially the same experience (drunk sex) it is still important to get a pre-conceived notion about which one is right for you.   Hence forth we have created a list of all the different fraternities on campus and a brief write up that will allow you to decide WHICH HOUSE DO I BELONG IN?   We hope you find these facts useful and practical when selecting a house but in the mean time, enjoy your first semester of ultimate loneliness and rejection.   Unfortunately, you can't pay for your friends until NEXT semester.  Good luck on the upcoming semester and we look forward to seeing you in the spring without that gay looking goatee.

Sigma Phi Epsilon

First off, IF YOU WERE A MEATHEAD IN HIGH SCHOOL, DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ ANY FURTHER.  THIS IS THE FRAT FOR YOU. Now that we got that out of the way, Sig Ep is undoubtedly the most "well known" fraternity by LMU freshmen but is mainly due to many of their members usually becoming "that one loud asshole" also known as an O'leader.   Although you will most likely get laid if you join Sig Ep, you will probably be too busy checking out your upper body muscles in the mirror to give a shit.   If you love freshmen girls (even when you're 22 years old) then this frat is right up your alley.   Freshmen girls flock to Sig Ep faster than Ellen Degeneres flocks to your Moms secret dildo stash.  Keep in mind that once girls get older, they usually grow out of their "sig ep" phase but that's ok because by that time most sig eps will have grown out of their "girl" phase entirely and only make out with dudes.  One famous Sig Ep is Wendy's founder Dave Thomas which is quite ironic because the majority of LMU sig eps end up working at Wendy's once they graduate.

If you do happen to receive a bid, you might want to consider buying a new Celtics Jersey, growing an Arizona State douche haircut, getting a motivational tattoo (a barbed wire on your left arm would make you look fucking sweet bro) and oh yeah, START LIFTING WEIGHTS.   No, seriously right now.  Whoever has the most muscular bitch tits is usually the first one to receive their bid.   Sig Ep is also responsible for planning that foam party you cried at, trying to fight you at Greek week football, and using the word "bro" a lot.   Also, Sig Ep currently holds the record for worst use of Star Wars in a lip sync (for other terrible lip sync performances, see Delta Gamma).  ABOVE ALL ELSE, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW IF YOU WANT A BID FROM SIG EP IS TO START LEARNING TO SMOKE HOOKAH.   Not only does it offer a fun and safe way to smoke tobacco but it also gets you lots of practice on all the dick you're going to be sucking later on in life.   With all that being said, twist that hat sideways, skip an entire pledge process, start throwing up gang signs and check out sig ep rush.  You're only a semester away from having every dude at LMU call you a douche behind your back.

Sigma Chi

I guess we'll put this thing in order of popularity so in that case the next fraternity on campus is Sigma Chi or the VHS version of Sig Ep. When joining Sigma Chi, you will hear many of the brothers talking about how strong and immense their brotherhood is but this is just technical jargon for them saying that they like anal sex.   Sigma Chi does offer one of the most rigorous pledge programs in the nation but once again, don't forget that rigorous is yet another technical word for them being queers.   During your pledge ship, you will have to get written interviews from your fellow brothers, drink a lot of alcohol, plan a mock-party, and fail all your classes.   If you're in the mood for a party, Sigma Chi events usually include a volleyball game, a BBQ, 4 girls, and about 40 erections.    The Billow House is Sigma Chi's main headquarters and is also where most girls at LMU get their first STD from.

Sigma Chi has a rich history of famous actors which includes Woody Harrelson, Brad Pitt, Ben Savage and that black guy from Walker Texas Ranger . It is still unknown if the fact that these actors are Sigma Chis has anything to do with their careers going downhill since the late 90's. Hobbies of Sigma Chi include cave dwelling, rim jobs, smoking weed, ass kissing and sucking at sports.   See those chodes on the see saw in the middle of campus?  That's Sigma Chi and that's their philanthropy. We know, we thought 4 ^th grade ended years ago too.  Overall, Sigma Chi will always continue to be a driving force on campus but the bottom line is they are nothing more than glorified assholes.  Even if you are weary of their hard pledge program, don't forget that Sigma Chi's get laid all the time and by all the time we mean at least once a week and by once a week we really mean "if they're lucky" and by "if their lucky", we really mean never. 

Alpha Delta Gamma

If you ever wake up half naked on an unknown couch covered with sharpi drawn penis's all over your body with that cat poop taste in your mouth, you are most likely an ADG.  If you gathered the drunkest and most offensive guys from your local bar and put them all in a house together, you would get ADG.  Pledging ADG is a lot like pledging Delta from Animal House except without free alcohol, John Belushi, and boobs.  Umm..well what's really left then?  Nothing, you joined ADG, you're social reputation is ruined and we hope enjoy the next 3 years of chronic masturbation and the World of Warcraft.  ADG albeit being one of the smaller houses on campus still does manage to throw some wicked parties such as their Naughty School Girl Fiesta and Jamaican Me Crazy extraordinaire.  These parties are fun due to the large amounts of younger classmen but be careful because when we say younger classmen, we mean some of them may not even be in college yet.

When you see a fat girl walking around campus, chances are, an ADG has railed her.  If you see some passed out sophomore girl lying in her own vomit in the middle of the Hannon loft, chances are, an ADG has railed her. Finally, if you see some skank bag crack whore waiting on the corner of Sepulveda and Manchester in hopes to score her drugs from the next homeless derelict (who is most likely BGN's academic advisor) and is wearing that LMU sweater you threw out last week, you guessed it, an ADG has definitely railed her. 

ADG's members can be fun to hang out with but only if your IQ doesn't go much further than that of the speed limit. ADG is the oldest Greek organization on campus and their tenure at LMU has earned them the right to gain a lot of wealthy alumni which has bailed them out of all their rape charges accrued throughout the years.  Much like Sigma Chi, ADG offers a very difficult pledge program except that no one will give a shit when you actually become an active.  With all that being said, make sure your drinking habits are high, your facebook friend count is low and prepare to join the sketchiest frat at LMU. You may be able to outdrink everyone, but you still won't have any friends to actually drink with. We wish you good luck with ADG and enjoy your next 6 years at LMU. And oh yeah, tell Brother Smolders he still scares the shit outta us.

Lambda Chi Alpha

Moving down the poop chute even further, we now end up with Lambda Chi, Ram Da Guy, or guys who couldn't even get a bid to Sig Ep.  Lambda Chi started off as the LMU rugby team but eventually went corporate and got the rest of the feaux-hawk San Diego State rejects.  Recently, Lambda Chi has gotten a large amount of popped collar hair gelled dumbshit club promoter types who's coolest moment in life is when they touched their first pair of boobs in high school.  Despite this however, Lambda Chi still does manage to gain a bit of support from the school but mainly due to LMU's Greek advisor being a fellow Lambda Chi.   Speaking of which, be sure to meet with LMU's greek council who will give great advice when you're crying because Lambda Chi.

Lambda Chi does not offer a traditional pledge program like Sigma Chi and ADG but calls their new members associates which furthers our theory that all Lambda Chi's may indeed have vaginas.  Perhaps Lambda Chi's most crowning achievement at LMU is their ability to win the famed Greek Lip sync 3 years in a row.  Although this could also be disputed for being a bad thing, Lambda Chi never does fail to put on a good show for its audiences which themes have included the gay versions of Westside Story, Aladdin, Footloose and Indiana Jones.  These guys could take a fat shit on stage and somehow they would make it look like Riverdance. Anyways, with all that being said have fun joining the worst frat in the country and we all really look forward to your Brokeback Mountain lip sync performance next year.

Sigma Lambda Beta

You are mexican

Beta Theta Pi

Oh hell no. If Lord of the Rings and Dungeons and Dragons joined a frat, Beta Theta Pi would be it. There's really no point in trashing Beta because it would be like beating up Stephen Hawking after he just wet himself......in front of 20 girls.  If you really do want to join, you need to know that members of Beta include "that nice guy in High School that hasn't lost his virginity yet because he just hasn't found the right girl" to "that weird socially retarded film major that stares at you while you go pee."  Jesus christ dude by all means, stay away...... stay far far away.

Comments

[Javier]

Fucking Hilarious. Sitting here reading and laughing myself stupid. Good Shit

[LMU Frat Guy]

This article is great.. If more people wrote stuff like this I think that us in the Greek community would take ourselves less seriously and realize we're all fucking in this together... lets cut the rivalries and greek week competition bullshit and lets have some fun... there are things to make fun of about every fraternity so what's the difference? lmu is too small of a school for different fraternities to fight with each other... great write up.

[Jay]

To LMU Frat Guy --
Good comment man. I totally agree. I read this article with a bunch of different frat guys today, and most everyone loved it. I'm so tired of hearing all these Loyolan articles that bash Greeks.
Everyone at LMU values different things, and we should embrace all of those. And let's laugh off the stereotypes, because let's face it... they're fucking funny...
Good talk.

[frat!!]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMG HOLY SHIT. FUNNIEST POST EVER. LOL

[assman]

This is really funny. who wrote that?!

[girl]

what sorority should i join?

there needs to be one of these for sororities...

[Jay]

there will be... keep checking back...

[truck]

good shit. Finally someone who realizes that no matter what frat we're in, we're all just a bunch of god damn fags.

-- Adam

[freshman girl]

Dear Richard HUGEdick,

LOVED your article! after reading it id really like to get to know you and i think youd like to get to know me. why, you may ask? ill tell you why...
1. im a freshman so ill get drunk enough to put out on the first date, and in addition to that anything really dirty/kinky we do i can excuse by refering to it as my "slutty freshman phase"
2. you don't have boobs and i do
3. im not obese
4. i have a vagina
...i guess thats all i got! let me know if you're interested!

[rory]

well since john has declined, i guess i'll offer to fuck this slimdick man.
not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean!

[okay]

Funniest shit ever but 1 thing:
most of sigma lambda beta's member's aren't mexican, not all brown ppl are mexican

Fucking Genius. im in a frat and i agree with everything said here hahha

[Big Daddy B]

I think that this is personally inspiring. Even though all all stereotypes have some truth in them, these should not even be considered stereotypes, they are the bold truth. I hope someone could please ass BGN "you are a dirty mexican" and Zeta Phi Roe "You are asian". For anyone on here that finds that article offensive, you should think twice about your life and really question if it's worth living, or donating your life that is to a group of brainwashing bum fucking fairies.

[Josephus]

I find it sad that through the loyolan, facebook, and now this website the entire lmu community has the opportunity to bitch and cut people down - you all should find a way to get shit done and have fun rather than further segregating the lmu community.

[shawn]

it's a fucking joke josepus. It's funny shit not really meant to be taken seriously. Seriously, shut the fuck up and go back to your ps2.

this is seriously the funniest thing ive read on this site. i want to know who wrote this! im glad people can not take thmeselves so seriously...this guy should do a sorority one too

[John Madden]

So fucking true about LMU's fucked up greek system and greek life in general.

Congratulations Beta. You have officially been replaced by Sigma Kappa.

its kappa sigma actually, oh whatever they are still gdi's

[hookahboysz]

Hey, does anyone know where I can buy a hookah online ??
I have around 100 dollars i can spend

[go lift]

wow...i thought this was kappa sig's first year on campus (2009)...kind of sad that they've been here for 4 years...