After watching Just Friends on HBO On Demand several times and reliving similar situations this past weekend while at home in NOR*CAL, I wanted to take a look at something all straight guys hate but sometimes fall into...the friend zone.
What is the friend zone? See: point of no return, the abyss, no-penetration area, Nice-Guy Syndrome, Once you start hearing, "...i like can't like totally believe that they like totally like killed off Marissa!","Can you pick me up from my ex-boyfriend's house?" or the always ominous, "wanna go grab a bite to eat?" Then you're definitely in the friend zone. Now there's nothing wrong with the friend zone, but only if you've willingly sacrificed any of your opportunities to beat this chick's guts.WIlling is the operative term, because if she has thrown you against your will into this sexually off limits dumpster where you have become as sexually appealing as say her father, the pimply kid with braces everyone made of in middle school, and the neighborhood rapist, then you're fucked.
It's not figuring out when you're in the friend zone that seems to be the most difficult, because come on, lets be honest, you know when you're there. It's why you're in the friend zone that's most difficult. Example: Joe wants to hangout more with this girl, um Cheryl. He is led to believe that it's her personality/their compatibility that fuels his passion for her, but honestly, it's her ass. So he calls her every so often to hangout only to start receiving ambiguous replies like "I'm busy with my sorority" and "Um i'm reading Vogue right now". Clearly, Joe is in the friend zone. Why's he's there--the fuck if he knows? Maybe she really is reading Vogue? Or busy with her sorority? What sucks for Joe is that not only are the signs of sexual denial obvious, but he could even be in the "no friend zone" where nice guys go to die.
Example #2: Calvin is a nice guy. Sometimes too nice. He goes to parties, has a good time but rarely gets drunk. Whatever. One night he sees a girl that he knows. She's hammered but he's not. They go back to his house and end up talking for 5+ hours about life, Just Like Heaven and slow jams. She falls asleep, he lies awake with a boner...she leaves two hours later having not even tickled it. What separates Calvin from Joe is that he was deceived into thinking he could eat peach. A drunk girl back to the house should pretty much require a sweet makeout sesh, at least. However, 6 Smirnoff Ices and a Long Island turned good ole Calvin into Dr. Phil rather than Brad Pitt. Friend zone.
What can we do about these unfortunate and sexually demeaning situations? Well according to Just Friends, you would have to wait 10 years, have annual income that exceeds 75K, and most importantly, not be fat. Because God forbid should you be fat, you would have absolutely no chance. But realistically, I would suggest to do any of the following when you find yourself in the friend zone.
(1) Stay in the friend zone. Like I prefaced earlier, there is nothing wrong remaining in the friend zone. In fact, you could still reap benefits from being "a friend". She can tell all of her friends (who are hopefully hot) how nice of a guy you are blah blah blah. Because girls feed off of what other girls give them and there's no better first impression than the one a girl's best friend gives of you. If you happen to be an emotional type, girls are perfect emotional tampons. Venting is probably as climactic to them as an RJ is to us.
(2) Leave. Who has feelings nowadays anyway? Friendship is overrated. Your efforts are probably better allocated to attention-seeking, cheap vodka-drinking Desmond slu-bags.
(3) Bang her friends. There's no reason why she should be upset about this move. By "friend-zoning" you, she's basically saying that she'd rather let someone clap cheeks. So get back at her by giving her friends a round of applause. Just cause you can't screw her, doesn't eliminate you from trying to screw her friends.
Cheers, JV
my best guy friend of six years has been in the friend zone and now he wants a relationship...there's a lot of truth in this column
Posted by: julie | November 27, 2006 at 06:03 PM
great post...who talks for 5 hours with a chick and doesnt bang her...what a pussy
Posted by: riz | November 27, 2006 at 06:32 PM
He's speaking from experience I believe. Just Friends my ass.
Posted by: Jay | November 27, 2006 at 09:22 PM
Hahah, Sanjay i think you might be on to something.. article coming soon. oh and Jv: you are an asshole.
Posted by: John J. | November 28, 2006 at 06:30 PM
John, whatever you have to say in your next article...I'm ready for it. Just leave the story about me boning Sanjay's mom out of it.
Posted by: Gay John | November 28, 2006 at 07:18 PM
Are you serious?
Posted by: Jay | November 28, 2006 at 08:03 PM
Good article! Although I don't think it should be considered such a bad thing to be in a girl's "friend zone." But, question: Don't guys put girls into "friend zones" as well? That can suck, too! On the other hand, if you're in a friend zone, at least you still get to hang out with each other...and maybe eventually it could develop into something more...perhaps that's wishful thinking.
Posted by: a girl | November 28, 2006 at 11:48 PM
"A girl," you are missing a huge point here, and it's this: a girl is one blowjob away from skyrocketing out of the friend zone whenever she feels like it. I gaurantee you whichever guy you think you are friends with will not turn this down. So stop your "wishful thinking" and make something happen. Now, I'm not implying that girls are the only ones capable of getting out of the friend zone... guys can do it also, and can even get very good at it... but their options are more complex. For you, though, this should be a no brainer.
Posted by: John J. | November 29, 2006 at 01:33 AM
john, maybe "a girl" doesn't want to be perceived as a slut. if she gives her guy friend a blow job then she leaves the rankings of "friend zone" and enters the realm of "2 am booty call". not worth it. it's a catch-22 and no win situation. that's pretty damn sad if you ask me.
Posted by: bitch please | November 29, 2006 at 10:25 AM
"bitch," you have a point but it's narrow minded... replace "blow job" with "make out" and there's your answer. adjust it to your level of prudeness to make it work.
Posted by: John J. | November 29, 2006 at 10:31 AM
Hahahahaha, you're such an insensative bastard. I actually disagree with John on this matter. Let's face it: guys are horny as hell and will fuck a lot more girls than they probably should. If you're a girl in the "friend zone" with a guy, cut your losses and don't hope for any kind of romantic development because if he thought you were hot/potential girlfriend in the first place, he wouldn't have lowered you to the unimpessive ranks of the "friend zone." Sorry, but that is the unavoidable truth of the matter. The most you have to hope for here is friends with benefits.
Posted by: Jay | November 29, 2006 at 12:00 PM
Good call Jay, I agree that it's unlikely for a sleepless in seattle story to come out of this situation
Posted by: John J. | November 29, 2006 at 12:53 PM
Alright, i've read the posts. So what is your suggestion to a possible gf who has a bf already?? You have to be in a limited friend zone prior to here breakin up with that douche over thanksgiving right?? And dont give me the, "oh just hook up with her and make her cheat on him" cuz i know all of you would bang the kitchen sink if it didnt have a disposal. Second, to "girl" if your in the friend zone with a guy, sorry, no chance of anything. Unless he has a gf now, he would have tried to hook up with you already if he wanted anythin to ever happen.
Posted by: guy | November 30, 2006 at 02:26 PM
Guy:
Amen to the girl friend zone comment. If you want a girl in a relationship, you're in a little predicament. I would recommend just waiting for them to break up before you try anything unless she hates her boyfriend and/or makes passes at you (then cheating is allowed). Once they break up, you can't wait more than one week to start making moves on her, because if you stall, she's gonna hit her post-breakup-slut-phase with another guy. And that's no good. So here's my answer: 1) make them break up, 2) comfort her after the break up, 3) find a way to let her know you're into her, and 4) don't rush into fooling around because then she's just going to think you want ass.
Posted by: Jay | November 30, 2006 at 06:06 PM
So do you think the line in the movie When Harry met Sally true? "No guy can be friends with a girl he finds attractive, he always wants to have sex with her. So the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.." etc? Just wondering.
Posted by: :-) | December 02, 2006 at 09:27 PM
Not necessarily. I think they can be friends, but the guy will always want to hook up down the line.
Posted by: Jay | December 03, 2006 at 01:47 PM