Posted by John J.
Okay, here it is. It probably isn't a good idea for me to publicize all of the dark secrets of LMU Facebook creeping, but you know what, for the sake of our readers' entertainment I'm going to anyways. Now, what I'm doing here will probably hurt a lot of people's Facebook game, because I'm going to expose the ins and outs of how to creep on people successfully. These are time-tested methods that we have been using for years. Deal with it. I'll start with how to creep in the lamest way possible:
THE POKE
Do people still use this? I phased the "poke" out of my Facebook game a long time ago. Yeah, it was cool at first when you got into little poking "wars" with everybody, but it didn't take people long to realize that Facebook poking is lame. I mean, what is it supposed to be? As far as I'm concerned, poking someone is the equivalent of playing "footsy" with them in real life. Ok, maybe if I had facebook in 2nd grade I would be poking people right now and laughing about how cute it is. But I'm not. Here's the reason why I really dislike the poke: It's impossible to read. Guys, if a girl pokes you DON'T TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS. The poke is perplexing. You could sit there for hours trying to think, "well, she poked me, so it means she must like talking to me. Or at least she thinks I'm cute. Or maybe she just wants me to think that she thinks I'm cute. Or maybe..." Get the point? It's endless. Don't read into it. On the other hand, poke someone if you want to throw them into a total state of confusion and despair. On to the next topic because I hate poking.
THE PRIVATE MESSAGE
Wow. Really? Private message? Why don't you just fucking propose already. In the Facebook world, a private message is as intimate as you can possibly get. I actually don't remember the last time I sent a private message to any girl I was trying to creep on because it's way too serious. Then again, if you want someone to think you're serious about them, this is the best way to do it. If you just met someone for the first time, do NOT go home and send them a private message. It would be like meeting a girl at convo and then bringing flowers to her next class. What are you thinking? Not only does it show you're more desparate than Lindsey Lohan is for coke, it shows you have zero Facebook experience.
Girls, if you meet a guy out at Harry O's or whatever and he sends you a private message the next morning, or even worse, THAT SAME NIGHT, get away. Get far away. You know how there's a public sex offenders list? I think there should be a public Facebook Creep list, and anyone who does this would be required to register on it so everyone can see who they are. So the number one tip is not to overuse these. Only if for some reason you want someone to think you are really thinking about them. But girls, if a guy barely knows you and you start sending him private messages asking how his day went or something, I gaurantee he will laugh with his friends at how crazy you are. (Unless you send me one, because then I know you care.) Let's move on to an often over-looked method of Facebook creeping...
THE FRIEND DETAIL REQUEST
Most people skip through this. Let me rephrase that: most complete amatuers skip through this. The friend detail request is so important because so many people don't take advantage of it. You know the saying first impressions are everything? The detail request is that first impression. This is your shot to make a lasting impact on your new hot Facebook friend. Don't just say, "We met through ISQM class." Lame. I've actually deleted people from my friends list for putting details like that. You need to step your game up and fast. I usually like to go for the "random hook up." This is because it automatically causes the other person to imagine hooking up with you, even if just for a split second. That split second can mean the difference between a sorority formal invite and a lonely seventy two hour Halo session. Think about it. Plus, if your friends detail request is impressive eough, it might even lead to....
THE WALL POST
Ah, yes. This is it. The wall post is hands down the number one tool to Facebook creep on people. It's less gay than a "poke," and less shady than a private message. It gets the point across. I may go into this in further detail later, but here are the main guidelines to remember when writing a wall post to someone you'd like to drive to the pharmacy to get morning after pills with:
Keep it short. I go on people's profiles sometimes only to see that some guy wrote an entire memoir on a girl's wall. Are you serious? What is the point of this? Why don't you just fax them a novel. Wall posts are meant to be short and to the point. You don't want to go on and on about your weekend and how your roommate spilled orange juice on your carpet and omg it was so funny lolol. Got it?
Keep it light. In other words, if you're writing a wall post to someone you're interested in, don't make it serious. I gaurantee he doesn't want to read about how your midterms completely sucked your parents hate you and you are on the verge of suicide because you failed your ISQM project but what are you doing this weekend? No. Make it positive, and if you can, make it funny. Not everyone can consistently write hilarious wall posts like i do but if you have at least some sense of humour, give it your best shot. I read in a magazine somewhere that if you can make someone laugh on the internet, you can makeout with them. ..... No seriously. (does not apply to any guys reading this)
Provoke a response. Whatever you write, make sure it's something that will cause them to write on your wall after they read your post. Maybe ask them a question, invite them to something, tell them you're naked, really anything that will cause them to write a response to you. The reason for this is two-fold, and I'll tell you why.
First, in order to write on your wall, they have to visit your profile, and anytime one of your interests looks at your profile it is a good thing. I actually hired a computer science major to create a secret tracker that tells me who looks at my profile and how often. But for you, just know that the person had to view at least one of your pictures in order to respond to you, hopefully giving him a boner in the process. (aka put up your sluttiest halloween profile pic NOW).
And second, the real way to tell how many people love you is by how many wall posts you have. Plus it makes you look much cooler to everyone else. I actually have a new personal rule where I won't accept anyone's friend request if they don't have at least 250 wall posts, bare minimum.
So basically, writing a wall post that provokes a response is like making out with 2 freshmen at once.
What are you waiting for? Get on Facebook, delete your private messages, make some detail requests and write a few awesome wall posts. Maybe someday you'll pull as much ass on Facebook as Sanjay!
Jesus Christ. If we only spent the same amount of time analyzing Stats as we did FaceBook, we'd be working for NASA.
Posted by: Jay | November 03, 2006 at 06:30 PM