The College Drug Underworld

Posted by Jay

Yes, I know. Finals have arrived. School is officially becoming incredibly lame, incredibly fast. But I thought I would take this opportunity to discuss the college student's favorite past-time: drugs. Drugs at college are different than drugs in the real world. In college, they're okay. In fact, fuck it, they're recommended! I mean, how else are you going to deal with your Ridalin-prescribed, Mario Kart-playing roommate who refuses to watch anything but Deal or No Deal and insists on listening to his IPod at maximum volume (you know, where you can hear his embedded earphones across the fucking room)? Obviously, the answer is... take some of his Ridalin. So, in this brief article, I will attempt to rank college drugs based on popularity and discuss each respectively, so when choosing a drug to deal with your psychotic, nagging Mom calling you six times a day, you know which narcotic to choose.

1. Marijuana:

Average Price: $20 per gram

Effects: Disoriented feeling, lethargy, increased appetite, memory-loss

Okay, I know this is cliche, but c'mon, it's weed! In LA especially, pot is still the favorite drug. Yes I know, not as popular as it is in NorCal, but we definitely have our fair share of skateboarding pothead fucks, who refuse to get a haircut or change the CD in their car to anything but Sublime. Their national anthem is "Smoke Two Joints." Don't take that away from them... Getting marijuana on campus is about as easy as getting a boner at CONVO. It's a simple phone call away... or just wait outside Rosecrans until you get solicited. The funny thing about weed is that it is not considered a drug to most college students; I can't remember the last college kid I met who had not ever smoked before. Therefore, I have to have some kind of watered-down, generic version of respect for potheads, and I'll tell you why. Because they a) do what makes them happy, b) do not bother anyone, and c) are always high. It's near impossible to meet a moderate pot-smoker; you either do it everyday before class or you stay away from it. And I respect go-getters -- if you're going to try something, you might as well go all-out... and potheads sure do...

2. Adderall

Average Price: $5 per pill

Effects: Insomnia, attentiveness, penis-shrivelling, excitedness

Yes, you read it right. I put adderall as the #2 drug on college campuses. If you are a sophomore or higher standing, you have tried adderall. And you have loved every minute of it. You know those cracked-out kids in the library with dilated pupils, talking more than Oprah and Dr. Phil combined, with twenty books in front of them, reading them all... at the same time? You guessed it! The ever-so-addicting effects of the miracle drug, Adderall. The way I describe Adderall is "it makes studying fun." College kids have constantly turned to Adderall to get them through that rough finals schedule or finish that three-hundred page book in one night. And if you've never tried it, yes, it does make you smarter. Guys, jerking-off on Adderall is like a game to see whether or not you can get your dick up, and I hope that you win... But I've never tried it, or have I? The problem with adderall is two-fold: once you start studying with it, you can't study without it and it can cause serious insomnia. Oh yeah, and I almost forgot, it's SPEED. Although Adderall cannot be good for you, moderate use is fine -- I have to appreciate a drug that helps you get BETTER grades.

3. Cocaine

Average Price: $60 per gram

Effects: Extreme excitedness, numming of the face, high alcohol tolerance, the shakes

Good ol' cocaine. The drug that LA has been known for since the seventies. This is #3, closely behind Adderall, and is essentially a very potent dose. Okay, so there's this guy at a bar, chewing imaginary gum a mile a minute, who seems to be looking at everyone in the room at the same time, taking consecutive shots like they're water, sniffling. Yep. Coke-head. The interesting thing about cocaine in college is it is kept very quiet, unless you go to UA, ASU, UCSB or the University of Columbia, South America, where it is passed around parties like confetti. In college, there is something I like to call a "Coke Community." Sort of a mix between a frat and the Yellow Pages, this is a group of people who a) do it and don't talk about it, b) know everyone else who does it, and c) distributes it between one another. It's kind of cute actually. The cocaine user's safe-haven is a bar or a nightclub, where they won't stand out. You can always tell who it is though because they make simultaneous trips to the bathroom... and come out ten minutes later, together...

4. Xanax, Vicodin, and Valium

Average Price: $5 per pill

Effects: Laziness, pain reliever, disoriented feeling, kindergarten-child sleep patterns

Has a friend of yours ever been completely out of it, pretty much unresponsive, and sleeps for fifteen hours per night? Downers are definitely in effect. Xanax, vicodin, and valium are basically similar drugs; they make you forget everything, literally. Twenty minutes after ingestion, most people can't move a limb. I've always found something funny: how do you treat patients with depression? Put them on downers -- sounds like a great idea! We'll just dope them up on downers so they a) forget about their problems and b) stop bitching about how horrible their life is. Ironic? College students use these primarily to relax, not to mention usually mix them with vodka-tonics to facilitate complete comatose. Once again, in moderation, these can be fun and safe. And for the freshman: no, it's not "totally intense" to snort xanax. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

In conclusion, I hope you've enjoyed this brief lesson on drugs. And remember, as Nancy Reagan once put so eloquently, "Just say no." The updated college phrase goes a little something like this: "Okay, maybe just once..."

Comments

[Daddy of Naylor]

You know how guys always have a hard time comprehending why girls go to the bathroom together? Thanks to you Sanjay, now I know why. Cocaine.

[The Voice]

Hey Guys..
First of al I want you to know that I came across this site because a frined of mine told me how awesome it is. You "You Are Skecth" guys are some of the more hilarious guys on campus.. its one thing to be witty, its another to use witt to create satire the way you guys do... i respect how you guys don't just talk about shit to sound cool but you can tell that you are speaking from experience... and the way you rag on harmless girls like sarah is pretty fuckin savage... The funniest thing about the site is that you guys are pulling it off so well... You're little funny descriptions and bios underneath your pictures just reinforce your comedy.. im not even going to get into your fucking interview in the Loyolan..shit was hilarious hahahahah. the fact that there are douches here and you guys call them out everyday is so fukkin true.. id be as funny as u guys if i could but i dont know how.. i dont think many people do... i think the term "sketch" was ingenius good job.... you guys should all relax with me some time... try some pot.. take a bump of coke.... u know see what happens LOL .. that or judge and criticize LMU, but only in the way you guys can do it with your sense of humor.. Thanks for your time...
p.s. whoever doesnt like this site is gayer than a sack of dicks

[Kee]

Reading this while entirely cracked out on a week long binge of an adderral and ritalin combo made me feel like less of an addict. Not to mention I read it twice as fast! Thanks Sanjay.

[Alyssa Holden]

So very true...but what about crystal meth? I've got a lot of friends with their own labs...it's amazing.

[John J.]

hey 'voice'.. i appreciate you being a fan of the site, but i think you might have gotten the wrong idea dude... we kinda just do this for our friends entertainment.. i'm sure you're cool and everything but i don't think we're gonna hang out anytime soon.. keep checkin the site if you think its funny but yeah

why do you pick on little harmless girls?

[Sean]

"keep checkin the site if you think its funny but yeah"

haha

[Jay]

Are we really "picking on harmless girls" that bad? Jesus... I thought that write-up was somehwere a little closer to a compliment.
Thanks for your support The Voice! I think you summed it up pretty perfectly with that one man.

i think you left out a few drugs...

[Silence]

the voice is such a dick

[Matt E]

Alright i was just checking ur site because im bored, but it seems to me as if there is a guy at LMU who has the biggest boner for the three writters of this site. But honestly dont lie, im pretty sure each of them is beatin off to how cool this kid thinks they are.
Note to "Voice" tone it down. Quit liking their asses, or u may get rufied at the next party by one of them.

[Elcoj]

Hi there,
Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your youaresketch.typepad.com.

Thanks
Elcoj