Unicorns Are Fairy Tales

Posted by John J.

Ok check this out. Girls, let's say you did find the nicest guy in the world, um.. he would be a complete pussy and you wouldn't be attracted to him. Pretty much everyone at this point is aware of that. The whole world knows that girls don't want guys that devote every breathing second of their life to every girl they meet. Even so, let's go over this real quick. Guys...

Do NOT hold every single door open for girls. Most of the time I do hold doors open, but every one time out of ten I just let it close on them and watch and then laugh. Or when they are halfway through the door I just put my foot against the bottom of it so they get stuck. Half the time they aren't paying attention and just walk their face right into the door. This is funny, and it also shows that you care. If you feel bad (pussy) just play it off like an accident.

Do NOT pay for every meal. Yeah, the dating article we posted a while back was entertaining, but don't follow its advice to bring out your wallet as soon as she finishes devouring the triple-chocolate ice cream sundae she insisted on ordering (you are throwing this up later.... right?). Until you are married and share the same bank account, it's not acceptable for the guy to get the check every time you go out to eat. Girls, I'm going to let you all know in advance so this won't be an issue later, here's what I will pay for on a date: movie tickets, popcorn at the movies, ordering pizza, the morning after pill, and valet parking. That's it. If you are actually broke and have been living on ketchup packets you stole from McDonald's for the last two weeks, I might buy you a hot pocket or give you some canned goods or something. But I'm drawing the line here. At the end of dinner next time guys, push the check towards them and with a straight face, smile and say "Thanks for dinner." If the girl immediately pulls out her credit card to pay for it no problem, laugh and tell her you're joking. If she looks at you like "you're fucking crazy there's no way I'm paying for this," then give her a twenty so she can catch a cab back to Hannon. See ya.

Do NOT be afraid of a girl noticing you checking her out. Creep disclaimer: this does not mean be super weird about it and stalk people from your room in McKay with hi-powered binoculars. I'm talking about a girl walking by you, or when you're introduced to her, it's alright to check her out a little bit. Don't let girls make you feel like you should be ashamed, because here's what they won't tell you... they love it. The funny flip side of this is that girls are 100 times worse at checking out guys. If you have ever seen a girl try to do this it is hilarious. The gym is a great place that I've seen girls get caught looking, and when it happens they turn into the most awkward person ever and it's great. So girls, you need to work on this also. Seriously, being caught is not that big of a deal, the other person will (or should) take it as a compliment and keep it moving.

Basically, it all comes down to this. The reason nice guys are unattractive is because they try too hard to impress. So let go of this whole idea that you've gotta put on a show for girls in order for them to like you. Whatever you want to say about assholes, the one thing you know for sure is that they are independent. They don't care what you think of them, they do their own thing regardless, and if it works... cool. If it doesn't, who gives a shit? So stop rushing 50 yards in front of girls to open doors, put down the checkbook at dinner, and try to get caught looking. Because unicorns only exist in fairy tales, and no one gets ass in fairy tales. Except maybe Aladdin.

Comments

fuck ya so fuckin true

[Jay]

And... who looks most like Aladdin? Me.

thank you, this is correct, and so much better than whatever that random alyssa character wrote

i dont pay for shittttt and i still get all the ladies

[female]

I think Alyssa had a more correct perspective and there is a difference between impressing a girl and doing it becuase you have good manners and it just comes second nature to you. I have meet these unicorns, and yes these guys do get a lot of play too.