My Ten Biggest Campus Pet-Peeves

Posted by Jay, with inspiration from Andrew Aradi

Going on three years at LMU, I've realized a few things about this school that never cease to amaze me, otherwise known as my LMU pet-peeves. There are certain indisputable annoyances that remain ingrained in our university culture that don't show any signs of stoppage... And they get more fucking unbearable by the day. So instead of taking these up with the university or giving the TANGENT their greatest article ever, I've decided to just make fun of the pet-peeve culprits myself. Just promise me one thing: criticize these events and/or the people who perform them for the rest of your time at this twisted college.

In no particular order...

10. The 10-Minute Walk Across Campus: Okay university administration, seriously?!?!? Do you really expect me to make my 3:00 MWF class in UHALL after having one at 2:00 in Pereira? What am I, a fucking cross-country star? I smoke... I drink... I eat Taco Bell twice a week... And you want me to run? I think my fastest mile at college has been 13:20. And that usually involves me sweating more than George Bush at a spelling bee. There's no way I'm making that class. Trust me, I've tried it all: driving saves no time, I can't skateboard or bike because I can't stay on either for more than ten seconds, and I undoubtedly run into someone that expects me to debate abortion by the LAIR for twenty minutes. Word to the wise: give us twenty minutes... Fuck it, give us fifteen. Or sack up, and install an underground subway or a trolley.

9. Hannon Lot: Do I need to say more? I swear to God... this one really pisses me off. Courtney Love could have architected a more even-surfaced parking lot, on LSD and heroin. I think Hannon Lot used to be an ocean that froze over and the waves became concrete. It's like driving through Hiroshima. Point B: WIDER LANES. Okay, I understand you're trying to conserve space and all, but when I have to do a thirty-point turn to park my car, I'm already having a bad day. I'm an alcoholic and I sleep in, and I can't wake up at 8 AM to possibly get a spot in Hannon Lot. Not to mention, what am I supposed to do if I don't get one? I live off-campus and my car is unregistered. So I park on campus and get a $50 parking fee, providing LMU a winning lottery ticket called my student account.

8. Building Names: Okay, I'm just going to give examples for this one. Exhibit A: Del Rey North and South. In case you forgot, our campus is circular and I have a bad sense of direction. Finding the right Del Rey is like playing pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. EVERY SINGLE TIME I look for Del Rey North, I walk into Del Rey South; it's like some sick, twisted fucking game. Exhibit B: West Hall, North Hall, etc. Okay, one word... creativity... Like, what did you run out of ideas? There were no more rich donors to name buildings after? You should charge some rich alumnus ten million dollars, rename West Hall, and build a subway. Exhibit C: Ahmanson North. North? Where is Ahmanson East, South and West?

(I had to take a ten-minute break from writing this because I was getting too pissed off.)

7. Hilton: Home to the longest stairway in the United States, Hilton Center for Business is officially the worst-designed building... ever... Have you ever had to piss in Hilton? You leave class, expecting to be gone for five minutes to simply drain the snake, and you come back looking like you just had diarrhea and was shitting out organs in the bathroom for twenty minutes. There are no bathrooms in sight. I think there are two men's bathrooms in the entire building, one on the third floor and the other in the basement, the two floors you never visit. LMU, have ever heard of meeting us halfway here? Jesus. Also, this may just be an attestment to my idiocy, but I've been walking into Hilton for three years, and I still forget whether to "pull" or "push" the doors... everytime. Lastly, is there a really a need for that fancy stock-ticker on the first-floor? The only stock I'm thinking about in Hilton is mine floundering because every girl now thinks I have an intestinal disorder. Nice fiscal responsibility.

6. The Check-In Desk: Call me a sleazebag, but I do visit the freshman dorms occasionally. I think the administration's idea behind this was to discourage upperclassmen from hitting on freshman. Well, mistake #1: making the freshman dorms a drunken adventure of espionage. I'm like McGyver when I go to Desmond. I will make a night out of finding a way in undetected and pride myself on it all week long. Secondly, how do they train and maintain the check-in desk employees? "Oh... we'll let them bring their computer, their homework... Fuck it, they can bring in whatever they want. It'll be fun!" Mistake #2. Half of the time, they don't even look at you walking in the door and I don't blame them (because they have the worst job at LMU). I could wear a shirt reading, "I LOVE FRESHMAN COLLEGE PUSSY!" I don't get questioned. If you really wanted to protect Doheny, hire a bouncer with an earphone and a list.

5. CONVO: Just because I make appearances at CONVO doesn't mean it isn't fucking annoying at times. In fact, part of the reason I love CONVO is due to the fact that it's hillariously, pathetically epic. We don't have a football team... We don't have a frat row... But hey, at least we have CONVO. It's something we should hold onto and value greatly as a university. I mean, where else can we relive high school and break into cliques? First, sorority girls at convo are great. It's all about representation. They pull out all the stops: any article of clothing with their letters on it are fished out and sported proudly. It's like a sorority-paraphernalia episode of American Gladiators. Second, people claim tables year-round. This is awesome - don't even try sitting at that table right outside the LAIR unless you're a Sig Ep. I think they deserve it by now. Third, besides that Sig Ep table, CONVO is like a dartboard. The closer to the middle of the patio, the "cooler" you are. Think about it.

4. Paying With Cash at the LAIR: This is one of those things that needs no explanation. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. There has come a time in your college career when you were in a rush and wanted to buy an energy drink at the LAIR for that painful ten-minute walk to UHALL. The line is unusually long today for some reason. You think to yourself, "Fuck, there should never be a line at the LAIR." It starts moving gradually as students pay for their items. Then all of a sudden, out of your peripheral, you see a grey-haired man in business attire with pasta and a salad. You instantly know there's no way he's affiliated with the university because no one in their right mind would EVER get pasta and a salad at the LAIR. It just doesn't happen. You automatically suspect foul play. As he comes to the register, Silvia rings him up for $11.42. Your head goes insane because you now realize he has to get change back for this purchase. Predictably, he pulls out a $20 bill, and the entire line looks around at each other like someone just got shot.

3. The Automatic Doors: This was a horrible idea from the start. I understand the ADA and making rooms accessible for the disabled, but little did you know you would actually complicate the process. First of all you have to push a button. Why not make them sensored so that guy who lost his arms in Vietnam has a chance? Then, the door speed is unbearable. I can recite the entire alphabet before the doors open completely (yes, I've tried). I've never encountered slower doors in my entire life. Why couldn't they be like elevator doors? Not to fret on this one, but even when no one pushed the button, it's still automatic. It's like tug-of-war with all the pulling I have to do on that fucking door.

2. The Gym Pro-Shop: It's a simple matter of supply and demand. People who work out like protein shakes. Why is it at the end of every month for a week, the pro-shop has run out of shakes? Sense a trend and buy more. Oh wait, you thought I was done? No... It goes for many gym pro-shop items. You can't even imagine all the times I've tried to get a basketball and they have "run out" or "only have girl balls." How? It's the gym... Buy more fucking balls. And how is it a good idea to have the same amount of girl balls and guy balls? Lastly, the pro-shop hours are a joke. They sure as hell don't correspond to the "HOURS" sign. But hey, we can't blame them right, it must be a real pain in the ass to lift that metal garage guarding all the precious gym pro-shop jewels.

1. The Bell Tower: Oh my god. I don't even know if I can finish this one. What kind of archaic, cynical fuck decided that at 12:00, we need to hear a procession of bells, followed by TWELVE chimes. By the time the concert is over, it's already 12:30. Oh, it's so you can "hear" what time it is? Ever heard of a watch? Or a cell phone? Or wait... a clock? And most people don't know, those are not actual bells. It's a CD. A CD! They must have purchased a stake in SONY to blare that fucking CD across Westchester. My roomate, who happens to have the most sensative ears of anyone I know, lived in the closest dorm-room on campus to the bell tower his freshman year. And then the school wonders why he has a cumulative 1.2 GPA? Unbelievable. In closing, we now live three blocks from campus, and he can still hear Big Ben like a fucking megaphone.

Comments

[Margo]

wow...probably the funniest thing I have read in a while..and its nice to know i think like you...i totally understand the bell tower...i hate that damn thing!!! and old people w/ cash, what's the deal? seriously get out of our school or get some flexi dollars!

[Emily]

you can't ride a bike? it's okay... i eat pasta and salad at CONVO, we all have our faults.

[John J.]

Yeah, parking in Hannon is bad but I think trying to find a spot in Drollinger might be worse. Not only do I have a 53% chance of committing vehicular manslaughter by hitting a student every time I turn down a lane, but why are the fucking spots so small? I drive an SUV (because I hate the environment), how am I supposed to squeeze into a spot barely big enough for a Hot Wheel? And why are there so many "Employee Car Pool" reserved parking spots? I think if two employees are driving to work together its safe to say its because they are boning. And they don't deserve their own spot for that. Imagine if they had these parking spots everywhere on campus... "Reserved for People Who Are Boning." Sanjay would have free parking, and every science major would be late for class because they'd be driving around in circles. Real smart LMU.

[Jay]

hahaha the wise words of wisdom, compliments of Mr. Whore-Jergens

[crystal b.]

you are SO right about the cash at the lair thing!! So fucking annoying. One day there was some type of old man convention or something and the lair was chock full of elderly-type people. Not only did I have to wait for these fools to pay with cash, I waited extra long because one fool decided to argue with the worker cause he couldnt use his american express.

p.s. you shouldve done one about how the escalators in uhall never fucking work. and how the crimson lion wait is 50 hours and when you finally get yor food its cold and give you explosive diarrhea.

[Matt E]

Nice work with this one. Just a little fun fact for all of you who hate the bell tower, that CD can and has been changed. I met a guy who claims to have switched out the bell music with porn sounds or something like that durring graduation. Someone should look into that. One more thing, I think you mentioned that you are a drunk college student in every single pet-peeve, congratulations Sanjay your an alcoholic, you want a cookie or a medal??

[Jay]

Wow. That's funny coming from you.

[sean]

Funniest post ever

but you forgot to include one thing, my personal biggest pet peeve: the onecard office and all their shenanigans. even if you get a temp. card at 4:59 pm, right before they close, you have to return it at 10 the next morning. nonsense! LMU definitely needs to go back to an extended amount of time (if you call 3 days extended) instead of forcing us to pay money if we temporarily misplaced our onecard. thankfully, we have p-safety to save the day.

Sanjay-
Why dont you get a real life and make more posts on YouAreSketch and stop slacking. Get on it.

I think the sandwich-makers at the lair should also be discussed. I mean, how hard is it to make a sandwich in under 10 minutes and make it look edible? I seriously stood in line for over 15 minutes watching the guy put together this girl's sandwich. Every time he'd pick something up to put on the bread he looked at it as though he had never seen it before. GREAT, it's lettuce, move on to the tomatoes and lets get on with it. Not to mention the way they wrap those things...note: a foot long sub WILL NOT fit comfortably in one piece of paper. Everytime they try to make it fit they get their grimy-gloved hands all in my turkey. Seriously?

It would also help if they didn't squeeze the mustard directly into the MIDDLE of the sandwich and perhaps spread it around a bit, so that when I go to pay $5.99 for my foot-long sub wrapped in too-small paper, the dry parts of the sandwich don't fall out the bottom and onto the floor. Someone needs to get a guy in there from Togo's and show them how it needs to be done, 'cause it's pretty ridiculous.

Oh, and then there's Jamba Juice...

[Jay]

HAHAHA that was funny

[leslie]

I totally sympathize. I don't even go to school here- I go to Berea College and they sound very similar with the ridiculous far away parking, CONVO, idiots at the cafe and that DAMNED bell tower

[leslie]

I totally sympathize. I don't even go to school here- I go to Berea College and they sound very similar with the ridiculous far away parking, CONVO, idiots at the cafe and that DAMNED bell tower