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Tierney Wins! (oh yeah and happy birthday sanjay)

Posted by John

As I'm sure all of you have already heard, Sean Tierney and Audrey Lo won the ASLMU presidential election. Congratulations guys, you have now inherited an entire year of dealing with exciting issues such as Sodexho food quality and... wait for it... parking problems. On a serious note I think these two will do a great job, and I say this without ever having met either of them but rather based on the fact that they got 3rd place on our "Who will win the election poll." I think it's safe to say that if us and our readers made decisions for LMU then our school would rival ASU's level of debauchery combined with ITT Tech's level of academics.

In what one writer of this website would surely deem more exciting news (it's not JV), it is Sanjay's 21st birthday... a night which Nastradamus actually predicted would be the coming of the Apocalypse but will realistically consist of Sanjay going vert on a handle of Kettle One and passing out in a bathtub by 10:15.

Happy Birthday GAYSANDS!!!

WELCOME TO COLLEGE!

Posted by JV.

I must preface the following by saying that we of YouAreSketch.com are in no way affiliated with the admissions process of LMU. Although I was on the admissions team last year, which in hindsight is pretty funny that incoming freshmen and their parents looked to me for credible information about LMU, this article is completely opinion based. Also,being that I am half minority decent, have financial aid and don't know how to skateboard, the opinions that I put forth are not necessarily accurate about the majority of LMU students.

As my esteemed colleague Gay Sands quite accurately put it a few days ago, "Sun's out, pussy's out". That really has nothing to do with this article other than the fact that we are being graced with more and more 17 year old girls via campus tours. Illegal sexual innuendos and Sig Ep Foam Party '07 slut jokes aside, it almost makes me nostalgic looking at these little ones. Having gone through 3 years at LMUHS, I've come to the conclusion that it really takes a special person to really enjoy their time here. Try this: think about a few of your friends that don't go to LMU and then project them onto this campus. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't get more than 3 or 4 that would be legit LMU products. It could be because we are all a product of the LMU atmosphere that we wouldn't stand a chance roaming the streets of Chico, CA or that we all swear that Santa Clara is soooooo lammmmme compared to us. Without delving into any sort of nature vs. nurture debate, I will just have to assume that we (believe it or not given the majority of the student body) were all different people back in high school. With that said, here are what I think the LMU admission requirements should be:

Proficiency in Fashion Sense

Ladies, no matter how cute you think those pink and white UCSB/Cal Poly SLO/SDSU sweatshirts are, they have no place on this campus. Unless of course they are pink and white LMU sweatshirts at which case they are only appropriate for walking back to Sullivan the following morning after a long night in Leavey 6. I know that I don't have the slightest clue about ladies fashion, but until LMU I didn't realize that mismatching seasonal clothing could be considered a fashion trend (e.g., Uggs with a sundress). So brush up on your Hills, OC, Maui Fever episodes because whatever they're wearing, we're wearing. Guys, the idea is simple. The gayer the outfit, the better. If you're gay, then you win. On a side note, 80's nostalgia was so 2006 so I wouldn't be the least bit surprised when people start sporting overly exagerrated baggy jeans, jean shorts, Adidas windbreakers again. Just a thought.

Prior or Current Battles with Depression/Spoiled Daddy's Girl Syndrome/Drug or Alcohol Dependency/Bulemia/any other body image issues

Don't forget you're moving to LA. Any sort of emotional baggage you have from high school please bring with you, because on this campus, it is just as important as packing a bathing suit. While ugliness and fatness really shouldn't be made fun of, it's almost too easy on this campus where 75% of the student body has probably been on Prom Court. Besides, if you don't already hate yourself enough to change your body image, I'm sure walking around this campus should. Hopefully you have already had some sort of drug or alcohol dependency as well, because if not, you are in for a rude awakening. Not to glorify substance abuse, but we habitually drink on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and whenever Matt Carroll wants to bring freshmen girls to Playa. So it would be in your best interest that before you decide to attend LMU to purchase yourself a beer bong and throw your name on the recipient list for a new liver.

Demonstrated Success at Stupid Drinking Games

I know it's not just us. But while kids out in Butt-Fuck-Nowhere, Iowa are shotgunning Natty Ice and taking pulls of Wild Turkey, LMU students prolong getting drunk by playing Flip Cup, Kings, Beer Pong, Quarters and Hockey. Don't get me wrong, I love playing drinking games. But sometimes it seems like in between the Never Have I Evers, the Zamboni's or rebuttals, the point of getting completely shitfaced gets lost somewhere. At any rate, it becomes crucial that before attending LMU that not only do you understand the rules of these games but that you dominate at them. You'll be happy you did, when ADG offers you a bid.

Sat at the Cool Table of the Cafeteria in High School

If your idea of college is a social experience that will make you forget about high school, don't come to LMU. Though LMU boasts an undergrad of 6,000+, it feels more like 1,000. Your weekend exploits are campus news by Monday morning. Action photos of you making out in Cabo with a friend--wait, what--are all over everyone's Recently Tagged Friends. And while LMU does have a lot of really cool people (and by cool I mean psychologically stable) we also have a lot of kids who never got over the cool table of the cafeteria in high school. They just traded in their letterman jackets for Greek letters. These are the students that assert social dominance upon campus. They run for President. They limit their Facebook profile to their elitist group of friends. They promote for Sharkeez. And the car that they drive is probably worth more than your home.

Mastery of the Puke-and-Rally

This is what I admire most about LMU students. I don't only mean Puke-and-Rally in its literal sense, but also that LMU students can obliterate themselves on a Wednesday night but show up to their 10:50 Thursday class. I mean in comparison to other schools where their students either end up rotting at a nearby JC (CSU's) or waiting tables at the local Red Lobster (CSU's), we simply know how to get our shit done. Case in point: finals week. The people you share Shark Attacks with the weekend before will for sure be in the library that Sunday afternoon. Now I'm not saying that we're the only school, but we are pretty damn good. You'd swear that the hot chick you were drinking with is as dumb as she looks, but then realize that she just kicked your ass on the last midterm. So while we're neither ASU nor Harvard,the students here know their priorities. Even if that means shots of Captain Morgan the night before a midterm.

Must be White or White-washed or Racist

I'll leave that up to the Tangent.

Others:

Over Inflated Sense of Self-Worth

Must be from California (execeptions can be made for those from Hawaii, Vegas, or Phoenix-- I guess)

A Misguided Perception of Athletic Ability

Affinity for Overly-Dramatic People

Uncertainity about Sexuality

So good luck incoming freshmen, your college experience awaits you. And so are we.

F*_- Mondays

Posted by John

Sometimes things that suck all of a sudden surprise you by being awesome. It's about time SNL.

UPDATE: Video fixed.

 

YouAreSketch Election Special

Posted by Jay

So, being a former political player at the university, I felt it was my duty to write an election special going over the candidates running for office this semester. There was a time long ago when I dreamed of being ASLMU President and enjoying all of its benefits: having a legitimate, non-sleazy reason to be an O-Leader, being able to take advantage of freshman girls / other cabinet members in the ASLMU office, and organizing ASLMU "retreats," otherwise known as blacked-out ragers (which almost always end up with Scott Howard throwing up before the event even starts). While you're reading this, keep in mind it is not my goal to put any of these candidates down. They are all friends of mine and have actually made an honest attempt to take control of this university. But that doesn't mean I can't make fun of them... In fact, it gives me an even more exciting opportunity to harrass them during Campaign Week and let the rest of the university know how seriously they take themselves and just how overrated each and every one of them are.

WHO WILL BE YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT?

The Odd Couple: Ian Wetzel and Joelle Zarcone: Oh man. I could go on forever about these two. I've known these two politicians since we were babies with ASLMU Programming and they have not changed one bit. I'll start with Joelle. Ohhhhhh Joelle, we all love her... how can you not? Don't let her elf-like physique (standing at a modest 4'6") distract you from noticing her sheer intelligence. She's a proud member of Alpha Phi, can be commonly found wearing really formal (uncool) baseball hats, and always smiles. But that was until she decided to lead Senate. Congratulations Joelle, you're going from planning concerts (somewhat fun) to discussing constitutional amendments (riveting). That smile is sure to fade to a grimace in no time. I mean, let's be honest Joelle, sure we may have fucked up a few times: Five For Fighting, Jason Mraz, Lazer Tag (wait... did that event even happen?), but theres always Plan B: Ian's Vice President. Alpha Phi and Sig Eps joining forces... weird...

Ian challenging me to a drinking contest: $45 and a night spent by the toilet
Ian spotted with five different girls on campus: $200 dollars for dinner and "good conversation"
Ian's four-year dream of being ASLMU President: Priceless

Nonetheless, Ian is a good man and has maintained an impressive (toolish) reputation on campus. For further information, please refer to the "Who's Who At Your LMU House Party" article. He's the ODB (Overrated Douschebag) just like me, which basically means he likes to schmooze people. And what is the job of ASLMU President? To kiss ass. A lot of it. That being said, Ian's the man for the job I guess.

The Status Quo: Sean Tierney and Audrey Lo: Yeah, I know, that rhymes -- that was not a mistake. I thought it was pretty clever too. I don't know much about Audrey (which is good for her because I don't make fun of people I don't know), but she was VP of Interculturalism this past year... Which means nothing to me really, besides the fact that she will probably be Steven Murphy's underling and keep the dream alive. Sean is a prominent figure on campus and an active member of Sig Ep. He was also on Senate this year. With a Sig Ep as president, one can only play off the stereotypes I guess: weight-lifting contests instead of Sunset Concert and CONVO will be a mandatory three credits for all students. Not to mention, with Sean as president, Sig Ep officially owns the campus. JUST KIDDING. Sean has been extremely active with ASLMU this year, not to mention has been on the cover of the Loyolan more than Anna Nicole Smith in tabloids. But I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not... Sean is one of the most outgoing people I know (ODB like Ian and myself), so once again, he should not have a problem being president of LMU High.

The Ones Who Will Probably Not Win Sig Ep: Vanessa Macias and Scott Howard: Scott Howard is a Lambda Chi, so that automatically guarantees him votes from potheads, alcohol-enthusiasts, and metro-sexuals (otherwise known as the entire LMU male population). He can often be found taking Keg Stands at the Rindge House, on FaceBook throughout our entire ISQM class, and sitting comfortably doing absolutely nothing in the ASLMU office. Okay, okay, that was a little harsh... Scott has been on ASLMU for three years, including the "glory days" of ASLMU our freshman year, which Scott and Vanessa have promised to bring back. He is also a pretty intelligent guy, but not as intelligent as... Vanessa. HAHA, Vanessa is basically everything Scott's not, which makes for a good ticket. She doesn't smoke (I don't think) and I have never seen her drunk (but she's an Alpha Phi, so she probably has been once or twice). Allow me to take this opportunity to say how much I love Alpha Phi... Seriously. Best sorority on campus. (Cough) IvyMan (Cough). Vanessa was abroad last semester which either a) puts her at a disadvantage because she may be disconnected or b) puts her at an advantage because no one knows about all the sleazy shit she did there.

THE ONES THAT GOT AWAY: Who Should Have Ran...

Matt Carroll: He would have run LMU like Enron. Only focused on profits and without any mercy. Why didn't we Sunset Concert this year? Matt put the money we would have spent into a hedge fun growing at 9% interest.

Vince Uibel: Every cent in the budget would have been spent on buses to Sharkeez.

Happy (Ryan) Gilmore: Every cent in the budget would be donated to Avacado Street's touring fund.

Patrick Volosin and Ryan Silver: LMU would be one huge party. We'd have FaceBook invites daily for nightly events on campus. Why should you vote for Pat? Drink specials all night long at Privilege.

The Sophomore Class In Its Entirety: Every cent in the budget would be spent on alcohol and drugs.

The Junior Class In Its Entirety: Every cent in the budget would be spent on alcohol and an LMU reality show spin-off of Mean Girls and The Hills.

Taryn Ryder and Brooke Ambler: Every cent in the budget would be spent on alcohol and Dominos.

Sigma Chi: Every cent in the budget would be spent on... Sigma Chi... and a better see-saw... and alcohol...

Sarah Bauer: ... I can't even joke about this, you'd be the worst president ever ...

Sebastien Reyes: You should have come back for a fifth year man...

How to Pick Pref / PA Dates

[Editor's note: Here's a new reader submitted article, from a guy who calls himself "Frat." It deals with pref parties, and although we don't have any more prefs until next year, there's at least one PA party coming up and the same rules apply. ]

A couple times a semester there are parties for fraternities that are meant to celebrate having new pledges. Pref and PA gives each fraternity member a chance to invite 1 or 2 girls and ride on a bus out to an unknown club with the whole fraternity for the sole purpose of trying to hook up with your date. However I never just bring 1 or 2 girls like I'm told to; if you want to master the art of Pref you have to bring at least five.

Date 1) This is the most important girl, because this is the one you would take if you only could bring one. This girl is usually a freshman and you've been facebook stalking her for months even though you probably have only met her once or twice. She is way out of your league and in reality you probaly wont get further then a sloppy makeout session and that is only if you buy her enough drinks at the bar. She really doesnt want to go with you but all her friends are going so she will always say yes.

Date 2) This girl is important because she plays two roles: she will be there to make girl 1 jealous and there is also a good chance you can hook up with her. The most important thing is girl 1 and girl 2 dont know there both your dates but they will be fighting for your attention all night. If you strikeout with girl 1 then you will always be able to fall back on girl number 2 because she is a frat-mat, i.e a girl that will hook up with any guy who wears letters around campus.

Date 3) I call this girl the wild-card. She doesnt go to LMU and you really dont care if she has fun or not. She is probably your friend from high school or summer that you havent seen all semester but keep wall posting her "lets hang out soon." She's there because she will know nobody else and will undoubtedly give you attention all night, thus making girls 1 and 2 jealous. Also, maybe you can get some from this USC girl if everything else falls through.

Date 4) This is your best friend who no other guy asked and keeps begging you to go. She knows all the guys in your fraternity and goes to all your events and there is no way you'd hook up with her, but she will give you attention and be a cheap-date. If the other dates fail you can at least dance with her instead of trying to bro-sleeze on everyone else's date.

Date 5) This one I like to call the hot gdi invite. This girl is hot, not in a sorority and you have absolutely no idea if she puts out, but you ran into her at the lair at convo while she was sitting by herself and thought hey why not, I have 4 other dates if she's lame.

These five girls combined should give you a 103% chance of hooking up with at least one of them. Other options include taking the ex you're still not over, or your best friends ex you've always wanted. Or maybe even a high school senior who you want to take so you can convince her to come to lmu and have a head start on every other LMU senior when she enters rosecrans. The bottom line is if you do pref my way you will get ass.

F--- Mondays - "Lucky" Skydiver

Posted by John

Ok, so I don't know who's seen this and who hasn't, but I watched it for the first time recently. Basically a guy jumps out of a plane at 5000 feet and his parachute doesn't fully deploy, sending him into a spinning free fall. He catches it all on tape via his helmet cam as he waves goodbye right before he hits the ground. Here's the thing: he lives. The title for this video when I found it on youtube was "Luckiest Guy on Earth." Really? Who's luckier, the thousands of people that jump out of planes daily and land perfectly safe without a scratch on them, or a guy who has a near death experience by falling 5000 feet and breaking nearly every bone in his body when he hits the ground. Ok. By this logic, here's a list of some of the other luckiest people on earth:

- 3rd degree burn victims (hey, they lived... lucky)
- Christopher Reeve (wow how lucky was that guy?)
- 13 year old surfer girl that got her leg bitten off by a shark (sooo lucky)
- Evil Kanivel

Chances are if you're reading this website that means you go to LMU and are luckier than any of these guys. That being said, here's the video of this lucky bastard.

F*$% Mondays - Bear Grylls Edition

In case you don't know who Bear Grylls is, he's the host of Discovery Channel's "Man vs. Wild" in addition to having the full-time job of being the most BAMF person on the planet. The show consists of him being dropped off in remote locations with no supplies and having to rely on a wide range of survival techniques to get out alive. Reminds me of the time last November when I was dropped off on a remote tropical island with only a pocket knife. Oh, did I say pocket knife? I meant two suitcases and a hang-up bag. And I think the island was called "Maui." Regardless, this clip illustrates that Bear will do anything... and I mean anything.... to survive. Except kill himself. That would just be stupid.

At least it's better food than you can find in the Lair.

My Mid-College Crisis

Posted by Jay

I'm attempting to do something unthinkable. Something that six months ago I never thought I would do. When we envisioned YouAreSketch, we pictured satirical articles that sparked controversy. What I'm about to do could be the stupidest thing I've ever tried, is emo to the core, but is something I've wanted to try. I'm going to post the first serious article ever on this website and see what happens. This write-up may end up simply being another reason for my friends to make fun of me but that doesn't concern me because let's face it, there's no way I'm avoiding that.

So I was on the beach last night with a friend of mine when they mentioned, "Junior year is just weird..." Well put. What I've concluded about this past year is that my life has come to a turning point (and all of my friends have experienced the same feeling). It's that year when things start to seriously change, for worse or better I guess. Freshman year was all about beginnings and eye-opening intrigue; everything was an experience, life was exciting and you thought nothing would ever change. Sophomore year was comfort: you finally felt at home in your environment and you had a good idea of who your friends were; school got tough but you were too busy / drunk to care. But junior year is like a fucking mystery wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma. I don't get it; hence, my mid-college crisis.

This crisis involves two aspects: fucked-up priorities and nauseating guilt.

Fucked-Up Priorities

Think back... Or, if you're a current freshman, just... think, I guess... What were your priorities? I remember caring about having a good time, making great friends, and establishing myself on my new "home turf." Getting my shit done was a hungover afterthought. I can honestly say that there is little I remember from freshman year because I was that drunk. But classes are never that hard freshman year so you just seem to get by; and the best part - you thought that would never change. I miss that uninhibited innocence from freshman year; there was nothing I was afraid to do or try, and the truth is I'm glad I did it all and didn't hold back. Sure we fucked up pretty bad at times and did some shit we never thought we'd ever do, but we're much better people because of that. My best high school bud Dave asked me the other day, "Four years ago, could you even fathom the possibility of doing what we do now?" For better (having successful academic careers) or worse (being drunk 5 of 7 nights a week), we never thought we'd be where we are.

Then things started to change. First semester sophomore year was a huge party because you live with all your friends in the same hall of the same dorm, and privacy is at a minimum. I remember always missing my alone time, and now sometimes I wish I was back in Tenderich with my door dead-bolted. Fucking irony. But by the end of sophomore year, the intrigue was pretty much gone. Nothing really surprised us anymore and now things just seem to be at a confusing stalemate. So what's my #1 priority? Who knows. This year, I think it's pointless to even prioritize. For most, I've noticed that junior year priorities revolve around class, work, your significant other, partying, and weirdly, family starts to play a bigger role again (because let's face it, you're getting closer and closer to having your own). Do I go to class or not (even though I have no reason not to go)? I have six different circles of friends now, should I party with one of them or study for a midterm? There is so much you have to do that you basically end up doing nothing. I know that sounds weird but case-in-point: when I go to work, I'm so tired from all the other shit that's been on my mind that I end up on FaceBook for three hours. Productive?

Nauseating Guilt

Before this year, my friend Matt would call me on a whim proclaiming, "Get your ass home, I have Date Rapes waiting for you..." If you don't know what a Date Rape is, essentially you going MIA all last summer, please consult Natalie Johnson, Taryn Ryder, Stefanie Galich, Dainee Jiminez, Megan Dorrian, and Sean Ivester for the spectacular ingredients that made for 4 AM-couch-jumping-relive-our-youth-slumber-parties at Playa. What happened? Now before I drink, I have to run fucking mental laps going over shit I haven't done, which takes all the fun out of the drinking process, hence sobering me up. Once again, fucking irony. No wonder I have to take 14 shots and punch myself in the face to feel buzzed these days. What happened to senior year of high school, getting drunk off of three beers?

The answer lies in the fact that I feel guilty for everything I do these days. If I have a rough night of drinking, I can't help but remind myself of the four hundred other productive things I had to do the night before, like write self-pitying YouAreSketch articles. All of a sudden this year I can't help but think that I am going to be out in the real world in a year with twenty dollars in my pocket trying to fend for myself in a Los Angeles music industry that thinks Paris Hilton can sing. Is that why I went to college? Not to mention, our generation is convinced that by twenty-five, you need to be settled, have everything figured out, and be rich. What is with our fascination with money? Most of our parents weren't rich until they were forty, yet we're losers if we can't buy tables at LAX in five years.

John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." As I get older, I guess that holds true. Hopefully this is just a phase that every college kid goes through, but I find that hard to believe when I watch my Santa Clara friends have "Kill a Fifth" contests at twenty-one years old. So, I hope I haven't bored you yet, but I want to make a plea to everyone reading this article to slow down, at least for a little while - which is funny coming from the guy who lives off of coffee, Red Bull, and sleeps five hours a night. And if you're a freshman, I'm jealous of all of you, and live it up. Honestly. College flies by, and before you know it, you'll be hitting your mid-college crisis and it will not be fun. So as excited as I am about being an elderly middle-class 9-5er, don't miss your opportunities to throw up outside Sharkeez, drink before class, and get so Adderalled out before midterms you start hallucinating. That may not sound fun to you now (but judging by the freshman I know, it does), you'll definitely miss it.

In conclusion, college can be many things. At times, strange... fun... unexplainable... emotional... But there is one thing that college will always be: undeniably, gutwrenchingly, and at times painfully... SKETCH.

I want to hear your thoughts about everything I've written so I can affirm without that a doubt that I am not some pathetic whiny loser, so leave some serious comments about your college experience and try to avoid the "... haha LOL, try rehab you pussy..." comments.

Until next time, I Love You.......... Jay