Posted by JV.
I must preface the following by saying that we of YouAreSketch.com are in no way affiliated with the admissions process of LMU. Although I was on the admissions team last year, which in hindsight is pretty funny that incoming freshmen and their parents looked to me for credible information about LMU, this article is completely opinion based. Also,being that I am half minority decent, have financial aid and don't know how to skateboard, the opinions that I put forth are not necessarily accurate about the majority of LMU students.
As my esteemed colleague Gay Sands quite accurately put it a few days ago, "Sun's out, pussy's out". That really has nothing to do with this article other than the fact that we are being graced with more and more 17 year old girls via campus tours. Illegal sexual innuendos and Sig Ep Foam Party '07 slut jokes aside, it almost makes me nostalgic looking at these little ones. Having gone through 3 years at LMUHS, I've come to the conclusion that it really takes a special person to really enjoy their time here. Try this: think about a few of your friends that don't go to LMU and then project them onto this campus. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't get more than 3 or 4 that would be legit LMU products. It could be because we are all a product of the LMU atmosphere that we wouldn't stand a chance roaming the streets of Chico, CA or that we all swear that Santa Clara is soooooo lammmmme compared to us. Without delving into any sort of nature vs. nurture debate, I will just have to assume that we (believe it or not given the majority of the student body) were all different people back in high school. With that said, here are what I think the LMU admission requirements should be:
Proficiency in Fashion Sense
Ladies, no matter how cute you think those pink and white UCSB/Cal Poly SLO/SDSU sweatshirts are, they have no place on this campus. Unless of course they are pink and white LMU sweatshirts at which case they are only appropriate for walking back to Sullivan the following morning after a long night in Leavey 6. I know that I don't have the slightest clue about ladies fashion, but until LMU I didn't realize that mismatching seasonal clothing could be considered a fashion trend (e.g., Uggs with a sundress). So brush up on your Hills, OC, Maui Fever episodes because whatever they're wearing, we're wearing. Guys, the idea is simple. The gayer the outfit, the better. If you're gay, then you win. On a side note, 80's nostalgia was so 2006 so I wouldn't be the least bit surprised when people start sporting overly exagerrated baggy jeans, jean shorts, Adidas windbreakers again. Just a thought.
Prior or Current Battles with Depression/Spoiled Daddy's Girl Syndrome/Drug or Alcohol Dependency/Bulemia/any other body image issues
Don't forget you're moving to LA. Any sort of emotional baggage you have from high school please bring with you, because on this campus, it is just as important as packing a bathing suit. While ugliness and fatness really shouldn't be made fun of, it's almost too easy on this campus where 75% of the student body has probably been on Prom Court. Besides, if you don't already hate yourself enough to change your body image, I'm sure walking around this campus should. Hopefully you have already had some sort of drug or alcohol dependency as well, because if not, you are in for a rude awakening. Not to glorify substance abuse, but we habitually drink on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and whenever Matt Carroll wants to bring freshmen girls to Playa. So it would be in your best interest that before you decide to attend LMU to purchase yourself a beer bong and throw your name on the recipient list for a new liver.
Demonstrated Success at Stupid Drinking Games
I know it's not just us. But while kids out in Butt-Fuck-Nowhere, Iowa are shotgunning Natty Ice and taking pulls of Wild Turkey, LMU students prolong getting drunk by playing Flip Cup, Kings, Beer Pong, Quarters and Hockey. Don't get me wrong, I love playing drinking games. But sometimes it seems like in between the Never Have I Evers, the Zamboni's or rebuttals, the point of getting completely shitfaced gets lost somewhere. At any rate, it becomes crucial that before attending LMU that not only do you understand the rules of these games but that you dominate at them. You'll be happy you did, when ADG offers you a bid.
Sat at the Cool Table of the Cafeteria in High School
If your idea of college is a social experience that will make you forget about high school, don't come to LMU. Though LMU boasts an undergrad of 6,000+, it feels more like 1,000. Your weekend exploits are campus news by Monday morning. Action photos of you making out in Cabo with a friend--wait, what--are all over everyone's Recently Tagged Friends. And while LMU does have a lot of really cool people (and by cool I mean psychologically stable) we also have a lot of kids who never got over the cool table of the cafeteria in high school. They just traded in their letterman jackets for Greek letters. These are the students that assert social dominance upon campus. They run for President. They limit their Facebook profile to their elitist group of friends. They promote for Sharkeez. And the car that they drive is probably worth more than your home.
Mastery of the Puke-and-Rally
This is what I admire most about LMU students. I don't only mean Puke-and-Rally in its literal sense, but also that LMU students can obliterate themselves on a Wednesday night but show up to their 10:50 Thursday class. I mean in comparison to other schools where their students either end up rotting at a nearby JC (CSU's) or waiting tables at the local Red Lobster (CSU's), we simply know how to get our shit done. Case in point: finals week. The people you share Shark Attacks with the weekend before will for sure be in the library that Sunday afternoon. Now I'm not saying that we're the only school, but we are pretty damn good. You'd swear that the hot chick you were drinking with is as dumb as she looks, but then realize that she just kicked your ass on the last midterm. So while we're neither ASU nor Harvard,the students here know their priorities. Even if that means shots of Captain Morgan the night before a midterm.
Must be White or White-washed or Racist
I'll leave that up to the Tangent.
Others:
Over Inflated Sense of Self-Worth
Must be from California (execeptions can be made for those from Hawaii, Vegas, or Phoenix-- I guess)
A Misguided Perception of Athletic Ability
Affinity for Overly-Dramatic People
Uncertainity about Sexuality
So good luck incoming freshmen, your college experience awaits you. And so are we.
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