The Ten Most Consistently Awkward Situations In Life

Posted by Jay

So, there are a lot of things that make us feel awkward. Certain things will take place daily that make us cringe in awkwardness. But there are certain "awkward mainstays" so to speak that never fail to leave us out of breath and searching for a way to "get the fuck out." Everytime I find myself caught in these awkward situations I cannot help but pray that one day they'll be less awkward... but they never are... Hence, I present to you The Ten Most Consistently Awkward Situations In Life.

10. Falling Down In Public: This just makes me laugh. I mean, how can this not be awkward? The only possible way to explain this is if you are absolutely shitfaced and everyone knows it -- then you kind of have an excuse to fall. Have you ever been working out your legs at the gym and after an intense leg press session, your legs are heavier than you think and you trip a little bit and try to play it off? Even better, have you ever pulled a Nick Rajkovich and fell off a treadmill? Finally, have you ever ran into something... like a pole? I've done all three and let me tell you... awkward. My favorite thing to see in life is when someone tries to push open a door when they are supposed to pull and run into the door... and then act like nothing happened. That is until they see me laughing at them to their face.

9. When You Tell a "Really Funny" Story (and no one laughs): Hahaha, this happens to me all the time. It's a proven fact that human beings tend to exaggerrate how funny they are, but when this happens, there is absolutely no protocol. So you're sitting at dinner with some friends, and a topic comes up that sparks your memory back to a recent "funny" incident that you just have to tell the entire table. You begin your story and people smirk a little, but by the time your story is over, you have the entire table literally staring at you with no emotion. You then undoubtedly say, "Yeah... so that's the story... it was pretty funny..." Then you let out this weird "I-thought-my-story-was-funny-so-I'll-just-laugh-to-myself-out-loud-half-laugh" and someone changes the subject very, very quickly.

8. Falling Asleep In Class: One phrase: The Head Bob. You all know what I'm talking about. You're sitting in your Philosophy class talking about the meaning of life and all you can think about is how you shouldn't have stayed up taking Vodka shots at Mo's. In the matter of a few seconds, you go from being completely awake to the equivalent of watching a silent film on Xanax. You start to do this weird eye-quiver thing and then your head falls to your chest faster than JV's bench press. You throw your head back up and the awkwardness begins when you become convinced that everyone in the classroom has just seen you doze off. The funny part is that hardly anyone ever notices this. But God forbid someone does, that person will in turn tell the rest of the class, and everyone will laugh at you all period long.

7. In an Elevator: Most people are always like, "I don't know why this is so awkward!" What do you mean? You're in a five by eight foot moving contraption touching complete strangers. I always just take out my phone and start fake-texting. Other people try to make conversation like, "Hey man. I see you have that newspaper. Anything new I haven't heard about? Oh really, nothing new. Weird. What is Bush doing these days? Me neither man... What an idiot. (Two minutes pass) Dude, I like that tie, where did you get it? Yeah... It looks good. This is me, I'll see you later." That's when you run off the fucking elevator and wonder why the fuck you just talked to that guy for three minutes. Good call. I'll stick with fake-texting.

6. Checking Out at the Grocery Store: Case-in-point: What do you do in the checkout line? Almost everyone on Earth analyzes the different packs of gum just so they don't have to look at the other people in line. Speaking of that, why are there so many different kinds of gum? Is one kind of gum really that much better than another? I find myself reading headlines on magazines, even though I don't give a shit what they say. "PARIS GETS A DUI!" So what? Like we couldn't see that one coming... Lastly, do you ever notice that there are always the most random group of people in a checkout line? There's always the soccer mom buying diapers and vodka, the college kid purchasing five thirty packs of Natty Ice, and the weird emo guy buying tweezers.

5. When You Forget Someone's Name: Have you ever had someone come up to you and start a conversation about how fun last night was... and you have no idea who they are? The most annoying people in the world are the one's who ask you, "Do you remember my name?!??" What do you say to that? Just be like, "Wow... I don't even remember my own name after last night..." But there is nothing more awkward and just plain insensitive than forgetting someone's name, especially when they remember your name. I feel like such a jackass. The only way to get out of this situation successfully is to do your best to pretend like you've known them for years and just pray to God they don't call you out.

4. Premature Ejaculation: Imagine this... Sober sex. A long-shot with most college students. But every now and then it happens, and every now and then your worst fears are confirmed. So you lovingly embrace your partner and everything is going great until you encounter an unusually-strong forcefield of a vagina which stresses the very fabric of your genitalia. It goes something like this: Ahh--oOHhh-ahhh-oohh--aaahhhhhhhhh... The response will always be the same, "Are you done already?" Do you apologize? Do you just go back to bed? There is no easy solution to this dilemma. Hence, awkward situation #4. Your best bet: pull out and say the condom broke. Oh, you're not wearing one? Tough luck you over-anxious piece of shit.

3. When You Can't Get Your Dick Up: Okay, now imagine this... You're at Harry O's taking Kamikaze shots to the dome, and even though you haven't gotten ass in three months and you've pretty much written your sex-life off as a sunk cost -- in a sadistic, ironic twist of fate -- some girl wants to bone tonight. Filled with liquid courage, you take her home, the whole time repeating to yourself, "I can do this... Yeah.. I can totally do it. Whatever, it's just sex....... I can do it." You get home, start grinding, and by the time your thirty-minute dry-hump session is over and you try to penetrate, you're the equivalent of an under-developed goldfish off the reservation trying to finagle your way back into that slippery crevace you really want to be in. The best part is that guys will try for about twenty minutes making it incredibly awkward... and then will give themselves a hard time for three weeks about it. Just hope she doesn't remember.

2. Meeting Your Girlfriend's Dad For the First Time: Maybe this is just me, but this always seems to fuck me. I think it stems back to the fact that I like to date crazy girls... with crazy fathers. I tend to do well with the mothers because I'm good-looking and well-spoken, but the fathers are a completely different story. When I took my date to the Junior Prom, I kept her out past curfew literally "just playing pool and hanging out." But, when she took me to her prom a week later, I'll never forget her father saying, "Don't think I don't know about last weekend........" Those words haunted me all night, throughout the year, and into college. I know that it's tough fathering a promiscuous girl but at some point I think you just have to cut your losses. I mean, when I'm a father, I'm gonna know if my daughter is whoring herself out because I dated girls like that when I was in high school. So at some point, put the shotgun away and just embrace the fact that your daughter is easy. Life will be a lot easier.

1. The First Time You Fart In Front of Your Girlfriend (or the first time she farts in front of you): This is unexplainable and definitely the most awkward moment ever. I still refuse to believe that girls fart, but apparently according to scientists, it can happen. Farting in public is awkward enough... especially if you're the one who did it. And you can't really do anything about it. Your best bet is to pray you didn't eat chinese food for lunch and just let it ride. When you fart in front of your girlfriend, it's like a mini-tragedy. She knows you did it, and if she has the audacity to call you out, you have to just be proud and claim it's cause you feel "so close to her." If she farts in front of you, I don't even know what to tell you. Your entire relationship will change. Just hope she didn't eat chinese food.

Comments

so apparently now that Sanjay's the ivy man, the quality of his articles now have to suck even harder. Thank you Alpha Phi

i have a solution for your awkward penis problems sanjay. if u suffer from premature ejaculation, tell her she just didn't seem to be appreciatong your time enough, so you'd rather not waste it. if u can't get hard, maybe tell the girl it's because she has put on some weight. also, elevators are extremely awkward.

[Aradi]

me being able to fart in front of a girlfriend is probably the most crucial part to my relationships

andrew shits his pants consistently... i would know.
thank GOD You are out of this country for a while since i have to live with your bitch ass next year... jussst kiddding.

The First Time You Fart In Front of Your Girlfriend (or the first time she farts in front of you)

The first time I farted in front of my girlfriend, we were ass naked in the back of her car in front of her best friends house and I was doing my damned best to get my whole face into her pussy when suddenly I busted ass. Before I could even feel the blood rush from my face in horror, she looked down at my face between her thighs and burped, then let out a giggle. It has almost become a tradition now. During sex, I fart an she burps, with the occasional queef here and there. How cute.

Sanjay, maybe youre scared to meet a girls father because you know what you are going to do to her ten minutes after getting out the door. The first father I met we more than twice my size and had MANY acres of land and a shotgun collection. My knees gave out after I walked out the door, and it WASNT by pre-jack.

If you have a problem with filling her cum-dumpster a little too quickly, just buy some generic cock-power pills like Libido-Max or some shit, and you will be good to go for an extra five minutes (not accounting for milking the prostate, of course) and maybe then they will stop calling you One Pump Chump and upgrade you to the Minute Man.

[d]

first off, i remember you being terrified of you know who's father. secondly, really sanjay stop telling people you actually had more than one girlfriend in your life time......

[Matt]

Ok, maybe im just procrastinating from my damn accounting finals, but it seems to me like you have been writting articles so that people will give you life advise. I mean come on Sanjay, its like a cracked out form of ADD hit you mid post and you began talking about your personal problems instead of awkward situations. As for the forgeting someones name, I've started just saying directly to their face, "No i dont know your name... sorry". Alright, there is my procrastination, back to work.

[Amy]

I don't know if this would classify as an awkward "situation," but I find it really awkward to hug people with backpacks on. So you're walking, see your friend and you go to give him a hug and he's wearing this huge backpack...like what am I supposed to do with my hands?? Do I maneuver around it and try to make sure to hug him, or do I just pretend like the backpack is a part of his body? Either way, no matter what you do, it still ends up being weird and I'm pretty sure both parties walk away thinking it was the most awkward hug ever.

[Steve]

Nice post, John. I hope this is a sign of some good summer posts to come.

A couple Class-of-2011-facebook-group points:

I think it's funny how many upperclassmen have joined that group. Shameless.

Facebook stalking may be the most time-consuming activity on the planet. I just pissed away like 2 hours perusing through freshman profiles from that damn group.

Corollary: I am not a fan of the new and increasingly-popular fad of making profiles viewable only to one's friends. A lot of the freshman seem to think this is a good idea. Totally lame.

Note to freshman girls: you'll have a hard time meeting older guys if you don't allow them to anonymously facebook-stalk you. Make yourself and your 473 photos available to the public. I don't care how creepy that sounds.

Another note to freshman: stop posting 200 pictures from prom and graduation. Everyone looks the exact same in tux/graduation gown. That is all.

[Steve]

Oops, I meant to write that on the comments for the freshman facebook article. My bad.

[aidedszed]

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[tyroisybionee]

I'm new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

[Ryan]

Hey this article was awesome. I laughed at most of them cuz they've all happened to me at one point or another. I also think its really awkward when your at a party with like one or two of your friends and they walk away and your like all by yourself not knowing anyone haha