Cash money hoes

Another gem submitted by "Not Sanjay."

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As most of you know, ASLMU has canned our fall concert in favor of… who the hell knows? I’ve heard of some half assed Battle of the Bands, but the chances of me ditching a Friday night for some freshman with too much Guitar Hero aspirations are about as good as a Theta’s chances of getting a PhD. So instead of hearing OAR, Less Than Jake, Gym Class Heroes or any of the thousands of decent college bands ASLMU could have booked, the student body will probably end up with jack… but then it’s not like we’re spending 30,000 bucks a year or anything, right? (contain rising anger)

      Instead of banging my head against my desk for 3 hours, I’ve instead decided to point out a few other ways that ASLMU can make it up to me, the angry LMU student. And God help you Sean Tierney if you so much as mutter the words “diversity event.”

Top Five Ways ASLMU Can Spend The Money They Would Have Spent on Fall Concert

1. Give every student 10   bucks. (Using fuzzy math 5600 x 10 = $56,000 which is well less   than a band would cost) That’s right, give me 10 dollars dammit. If   Ralph’s is having a sale that’s a nice little six pack, which should   help me try and forget that I’m not going to be seeing a fucking concert.

2. Pay people to read the   Loyolan. If I could take back every second I’ve spent glancing   at the Loyolan newsracks as I walk by hoping against hope I might see   a story worth reading, I would. In order that you might save time allow   me to summarize EVERY single Loyolan for you: white people= bad, neighbors   = pissed off, sports teams = mediocre, freshman = dumb, coherence &   grammar = 0. Throw in the occasional borderline socialist rant and you’ve   pretty much summed up our local rag. However, if you paid me like, I   don’t know, 40 bucks I might read it. I’m pretty sure a bum would   read it for 30 if we’re really pinching pennies.

3. Buy Mr. Howard a car.   If you have not experienced the wonder of Mr. Howard, get up right now   walk to Von’s and head to the 15 item express line (You’re buying   alcohol, don’t kid yourself) and introduce yourself to Mr. Howard.   Words barely describe this man’s awesomeness. He is the Mr. Pibb Extra   of the human kind soda analogy I’m stretching to make. There is seriously   no nicer man in the greater Westchester area and it’s high time we   do something about it. Giving him a car says both “We love you for   putting up with our immature alcohol shenanigans” and “We’re giving   you a car because you stomp more ass than Jean Claude Von Damme.”   Mr. Howard rules.

4. PAY FOR A GODDAMN SHUTTLE   TO SHARKEEZ/BAD DOG/WHEREVER. LMU doesn’t like drunk driving.   I don’t like drunk driving. I’m a student, cabs are expensive. LMU   took all my money. Thus using very simple logic (stay with me Alpha   Phi) we can see that diverting money from ASLMU into something useful   like a drunkey cab, is smart. We’ve previously established (see earlier   article) that not a whole lot of studying goes on here. We do know that   a shitload of drinking does go on here- ask your local neighborhood   Nazi for confirmation. Ergo, RUN A GODDAMN CAB. (The first person to   say Lion Express in the comments gets five fingers to the face for being   an idiot)

5. Sponsor an LMU   “Bikini Day” I defy you to find any man walking this campus   that doesn’t think the second coming of Christ would probably be preceded   by an event EXACTLY like this.

So ASLMU, the ball is in your court. Wow me. Or sponsor another “Hall Brawl.” Yippee.

Comments

eh......

[helene]

No that money should go into hiring an econ teacher who actually speaks English.

I am SO glad that I graduated already. It was bad enough when they canceled Charter Ball on us when I was a Senior...

haha. then what the fuck are you doing on this website then! You're old!

[it's me bitch]

For every last post you guys have put up, i commend you with a slow clap.

Well fucking done. Thank you Not Sanjay for representing the side of LMU that likes to have a good time instead of trying to pinpoint social/racial groups and their deficiencies.

Except this is probably going to be now on the Loyolan for being a racist article.