User-contributed by a guy who calls himself "Not Sanjay." Sounds good already, doesn't it? Enjoy.
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As the school year begins LMU welcomes in a whole new class of wide eyed alcoholics (freshman). This diverse group is made up of many groups - namely: extremely good looking women and guys who have no idea how to talk to them. So this being a Jesuit institution and being in serious lack of good deeds to ensure my permanent residence in the big LMU in the school in the sky, I’ve decided to help out our newest Lions. To speed up your education I have assembled some common myths/ideas of college life here at LMU and dissected them for your benefit. (Don’t worry San Diego freshman, I use very small words and short sentences, bra). So put down your Wii controllers gentlemen and put those Smirnoff Ices away ladies. Pay attention- this is freshman myths 101.
1. “School is hard” No it isn’t. What the hell is the matter with you? Who was your high school English teacher- Elmo? There’s a reason why nearly every LMU student goes out (parties) Tuesday through Saturday nights- THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So quit whining, you’re not scoring points with those of us who have been around here long enough to know the exact moment when you bail on an 9AM class due to rising vomit. (Answer: as soon as the sign-in sheet hits your desk)
Recommended Reading: “5 Keys to an MRS Major” by Alpha Phi
2. “I raged hard last night” This phrase makes me want to punch through every glass window in U-Hall. You raged last night, eh? You raged??? Well slap me silly; putting down those 3 games of beer pong really must have done you in champ. Piss off. Somehow I doubt those shady bottles of Pabst (note to Freshman, unless you are a certified ADG drunk, sack up and drop the extra two dollars for Keystone, Jesus) that you’re hiding from your RA will put a dent in the 48 hour shitshow that is an LMU trip to Vegas. If you haven’t had your picture taken passed out on the escalator to the Venetian then I doubt you’ve raged.
Recommended Reading: “Where Am I? Who the hell are you?” by The ROAR
3. I know “insert lame ass reality TV star here/washed up shitty celebrity here” Wow, you hooked up with the guy who hooked up with the whore from “I’m A Huge Whore” show on MTV? Oh. My. God. You are at least as totally famous as NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Dropping a name in L.A. isn’t cool, unless that name is Jessica Biel and I’m doing the dropping insinuating I hook up with her on a regular basis.
Recommended Reading: “I Still Suck” by LMU Alumni Carson Daly
4. “Living on Campus is Sick” Really? I bet in six months you’ll be super stoked on the 3AM fire alarms and RA inspections. And let me tell ya, there is nothing better than a sanctimonious RA looking down on you as she pours out your 30 pack. One by one. I’ll gladly take an angry neighbor over running away in boxers with a handle to avoid my 3rd meeting with Judicial Affairs. Once my neighbor looked at me while I was drinking on my porch… AND THAT’S ALL THAT HAPPENED. Private property… bitch.
Recommended Reading: “I’m Still Here, Assholes: Navigating Judicial Affairs Like A Pro” by Pretty Much Everyone
Well that just about wraps it up kids. Remember when in doubt, shut the hell up and drink your beer. No one can ever make fun of you for that… unless you are a huge tool.
I'm tired of all this negativity toward me in the last few articles... I'll destroy both Mystery Writer Bitch With Boobs and "Not Sanjay" (you clever fuck). Give it time.
Posted by: Jay | September 10, 2007 at 03:09 PM
"LMU Alumni Carson Daly"
Oh no don't ever say that, he never graduated, bad enough he even attended LMU. I am still embarrassed that he even bothered to attend LMU for however months he was there *shudders*
Posted by: Faiza | September 13, 2007 at 02:23 AM
adg pref - sketch.
but i guess i should've figured as much.
Posted by: rory | September 15, 2007 at 02:20 PM
shut the fuck up rory
Posted by: | September 15, 2007 at 02:34 PM
YOU shut the fuck up, steve yoss.
Posted by: rory | September 18, 2007 at 02:09 PM