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Comedy Night this Wednesday

Posted by John

Tomorrow night is Comedy Night at Burns Back Court. 7 pm. The details are below. Basically its being thrown by ASLMU, Belles and Sigma Chi. 3 stand up comics, including Alonzo Bodden, the guy that won Last Comic Standing III.

Oh yeah and if you look at the info, one of the comics performing is a girl. I'm not positive, but I'm told she's the first female standup comic ever, which completely makes sense to me, because in my entire life I've probably seen maybe 2.3 girls that are actually funny. For example, the .3 one was a midget that did this trick with a tricycle and bowling pins. It was a laugh riot. Other then that I'm really blanking. But hey, anything is possible so maybe she'll be funny. No one thought we'd ever be able to bring dinosaurs back from the dead either, then they built Jurassic Park. which, btw, completely blows planet earth out of the water as far as documentaries go. oh cool some water. oh look a blade of grass. Wow, thank you discovery channel.  planet earth blows. If I wanted to see the planet I'd go outside and look at it jackass. Why don't you make one about somewhere i've never been, like 'planet jupiter', that I might actually watch. or a planet sex. not sure what that one would really entail but still. come on.

Cash money hoes

Another gem submitted by "Not Sanjay."

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As most of you know, ASLMU has canned our fall concert in favor of… who the hell knows? I’ve heard of some half assed Battle of the Bands, but the chances of me ditching a Friday night for some freshman with too much Guitar Hero aspirations are about as good as a Theta’s chances of getting a PhD. So instead of hearing OAR, Less Than Jake, Gym Class Heroes or any of the thousands of decent college bands ASLMU could have booked, the student body will probably end up with jack… but then it’s not like we’re spending 30,000 bucks a year or anything, right? (contain rising anger)

      Instead of banging my head against my desk for 3 hours, I’ve instead decided to point out a few other ways that ASLMU can make it up to me, the angry LMU student. And God help you Sean Tierney if you so much as mutter the words “diversity event.”

Top Five Ways ASLMU Can Spend The Money They Would Have Spent on Fall Concert

1. Give every student 10   bucks. (Using fuzzy math 5600 x 10 = $56,000 which is well less   than a band would cost) That’s right, give me 10 dollars dammit. If   Ralph’s is having a sale that’s a nice little six pack, which should   help me try and forget that I’m not going to be seeing a fucking concert.

2. Pay people to read the   Loyolan. If I could take back every second I’ve spent glancing   at the Loyolan newsracks as I walk by hoping against hope I might see   a story worth reading, I would. In order that you might save time allow   me to summarize EVERY single Loyolan for you: white people= bad, neighbors   = pissed off, sports teams = mediocre, freshman = dumb, coherence &   grammar = 0. Throw in the occasional borderline socialist rant and you’ve   pretty much summed up our local rag. However, if you paid me like, I   don’t know, 40 bucks I might read it. I’m pretty sure a bum would   read it for 30 if we’re really pinching pennies.

3. Buy Mr. Howard a car.   If you have not experienced the wonder of Mr. Howard, get up right now   walk to Von’s and head to the 15 item express line (You’re buying   alcohol, don’t kid yourself) and introduce yourself to Mr. Howard.   Words barely describe this man’s awesomeness. He is the Mr. Pibb Extra   of the human kind soda analogy I’m stretching to make. There is seriously   no nicer man in the greater Westchester area and it’s high time we   do something about it. Giving him a car says both “We love you for   putting up with our immature alcohol shenanigans” and “We’re giving   you a car because you stomp more ass than Jean Claude Von Damme.”   Mr. Howard rules.

4. PAY FOR A GODDAMN SHUTTLE   TO SHARKEEZ/BAD DOG/WHEREVER. LMU doesn’t like drunk driving.   I don’t like drunk driving. I’m a student, cabs are expensive. LMU   took all my money. Thus using very simple logic (stay with me Alpha   Phi) we can see that diverting money from ASLMU into something useful   like a drunkey cab, is smart. We’ve previously established (see earlier   article) that not a whole lot of studying goes on here. We do know that   a shitload of drinking does go on here- ask your local neighborhood   Nazi for confirmation. Ergo, RUN A GODDAMN CAB. (The first person to   say Lion Express in the comments gets five fingers to the face for being   an idiot)

5. Sponsor an LMU   “Bikini Day” I defy you to find any man walking this campus   that doesn’t think the second coming of Christ would probably be preceded   by an event EXACTLY like this.

So ASLMU, the ball is in your court. Wow me. Or sponsor another “Hall Brawl.” Yippee.

How To Not Suck As a Freshman

User-contributed by a guy who calls himself "Not Sanjay." Sounds good already, doesn't it? Enjoy.

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As the school year begins LMU welcomes in a whole new class of wide eyed alcoholics (freshman). This diverse group is made up of many groups - namely: extremely good looking women and guys who have no idea how to talk to them.  So this being a Jesuit institution and being in serious lack of good deeds to ensure my permanent residence in the big LMU in the school in the sky, I’ve decided to help out our newest Lions. To speed up your education I have assembled some common myths/ideas of college life here at LMU and dissected them for your benefit. (Don’t worry San Diego freshman, I use very small words and short sentences, bra). So put down your Wii controllers gentlemen and put those Smirnoff Ices away ladies. Pay attention- this is freshman myths 101.

   1. “School is hard” No it isn’t. What the hell is the matter with you? Who was your high school English teacher- Elmo? There’s a reason why nearly every LMU student goes out (parties) Tuesday through Saturday nights- THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So quit whining, you’re not scoring points with those of us who have been around here long enough to know the exact moment when you bail on an 9AM class due to rising vomit. (Answer: as soon as the sign-in sheet hits your desk) 

Recommended Reading: “5 Keys to an MRS Major” by Alpha Phi

   2. “I raged hard last night” This phrase makes me want to punch through every glass window in U-Hall. You raged last night, eh? You raged??? Well slap me silly; putting down those 3 games of beer pong really must have done you in champ. Piss off. Somehow I doubt those shady bottles of Pabst (note to Freshman, unless you are a certified ADG drunk, sack up and drop the extra two dollars for Keystone, Jesus) that you’re hiding from your RA will put a dent in the 48 hour shitshow that is an LMU trip to Vegas. If you haven’t had your picture taken passed out on the escalator to the Venetian then I doubt you’ve raged.

Recommended Reading: “Where Am I? Who the hell are you?” by The ROAR

   3. I know “insert lame ass reality TV star here/washed up shitty celebrity here” Wow, you hooked up with the guy who hooked up with the whore from “I’m A Huge Whore” show on MTV? Oh. My. God. You are at least as totally famous as NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Dropping a name in L.A. isn’t cool, unless that name is Jessica Biel and I’m doing the dropping insinuating I hook up with her on a regular basis.

Recommended Reading: “I Still Suck” by LMU Alumni Carson Daly

   4. “Living on Campus is Sick” Really? I bet in six months you’ll be super stoked on the 3AM fire alarms and RA inspections. And let me tell ya, there is nothing better than a sanctimonious RA looking down on you as she pours out your 30 pack. One by one. I’ll gladly take an angry neighbor over running away in boxers with a handle to avoid my 3rd meeting with Judicial Affairs. Once my neighbor looked at me while I was drinking on my porch… AND THAT’S ALL THAT HAPPENED.  Private property… bitch.

Recommended Reading: “I’m Still Here, Assholes: Navigating Judicial Affairs Like A Pro” by Pretty Much Everyone

Well that just about wraps it up kids. Remember when in doubt, shut the hell up and drink your beer. No one can ever make fun of you for that… unless you are a huge tool.

We get an advice columnist... with boobs

Posted by John

In case you can't read, as of today, we've officially taken on an advice columnist. Oh, and she's a girl. Occasionally girls talk to us. And by us, I mean me and Sanjay. Oh, and the column is going to be kinda serious. Meaning, she will answer real questions in her most genuine way possible. You won't know who she is (fuck you rory), and she won't know who you are, but it will work. Trust me. Your questions can be long, short, detailed, whatever. If you want to hit on her that's fine too. She's single. And I know writers are the most attractive people in the world, especially ones that write on the internet. At least thats what a scientist told me. I've never really trusted those guys though. Gravity? Hello how do you know it exists if you CAN'T SEE IT genius? I think this will work out well because girls are the best people to ask for advice. I mean, some girls. And only when they aren't drunk. Fortunately our secret columnist is a devout born again christian and never touches alcohol except on Rash hashana. Just kidding... do you really think sober people would be friends with us?

Anyways here is her SELF INTRODUCTION which will be 102344 times better than mine. Be careful because sometimes she uses big words like "self-deprecating." I know, right? Who the hell does she think she is. If you're like JV and English isn't your first language, or if you're a film major, go slow.

............

Being an advice columnist will not always be easy. I may have to defend myself against LMU students who think that I’m being condescending, though this will always be untrue. I do not talk down to anyone, but I do judge people. All I know about other kids at this school I have assumed by their appearances – this is not superficial, but logical. I judge people based on the choices they make, like how fat they get at college or how fake their Louis Vuitton is. You can’t deny the importance of first impressions, and I am simply here to help you. Los Angeles is full of beauty, but you have to be a romantic to see it. I can turn your worst day into the first day of the rest of your life; only, I’m not trying to sleep with you, or ever actually meet you for that matter. If you eventually recognize me, I’d appreciate your continued respect for the anonymous. John, Sanjay, and JV are each charmingly self-deprecating enough to seem humble. Being a girl, I seem bitchy for calling people out. Let me give you some advice. I can upgrade you; switch your neckties to purple labels (if you catch my drift.) I know a lot about material things, because I live here. I know a lot about art, because I was raised abroad. I know a lot about relationships, because I’ve had too many. There is nothing that shocks or offends me; so please, try your hardest.

I will use pop culture references a lot, simply because it is the easiest way to relate to people. I am a lot like Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” I read too much, and people think I’m a little crazy; I have brown hair and eyes, so we almost look alike, too. I want to save people, and all of my friends are already happy; all we ever have to do is go to class. Do you honestly think you have your school year planned perfectly? I know Greek life here makes it ok to get lazy and only use facebook to socialize. If you want friends that you don’t meet through the Internet, you’re going to have to step up your game. Think of it this way: facebook right now is like e-harmony in 5 years. If you’re using it and you go to LMU, it’s probably harmless, but do you really want to be the college graduate who has to use the Internet to find love? No, you don’t. Because you’ll only meet ugly people, and noone truly wants that.

Take pride in your appearance and in your academics, but do not forget there is life outside of Westchester. Westwood and my new apartment have opened my eyes to Hollywood and partying without getting in trouble; I am only 20, but I’m a Catholic so I have been drinking on a weekly basis since I got that First Communion. My father was a military spy from Atlanta Georgia, and my mother was Miss Betty Crocker home-make of tomorrow for the state of California. I should be the next Martha Stuart, but you need my advice before it’s too late.

Give me an anonymous chance at making your life better, I know that I can. Naivety is bliss, ignorance is blinding.

- Mystery advice columnist that is a girl

Send questions to advice@youaresketch.com, or just post it in the comments so everyone can read it and laugh at your hopeless situation. Hey, at least you're not Sanjay.
 

Sketch Predictions Part 2 of 3

Posted by Jay

In no particular order...

1. Sarah Bauer will lose her virginity

2. Dan will prove to get no more interesting over the next semester (... wait, who's Dan?!)

3. Iggy, our school mascot, will run dog fights and get arrested

4. JV will get kicked off ASLMU cabinet

5. Sean Tierney will be on the cover of the Loyolan at least 4 times

6. John, JV or myself will get expelled

7. Sodexho will become so powerful that if you bring a donut from Yum Yum's on campus a campus-wide alarm will go off and a lazer beam will destroy your donut

8. Andrew Beck will legalize marijuana in ASLMU Senate

9. There will be a Rodney King-like bashing at Bad Dog on Thursdays... the victim will most definitely be one of the residents of the Playa house

10. A SoCal skateboard fuck will fall at the Lair patio and students will laugh at him

11. Someone will use their intellect and campus power to start renting out tables at Convo and study rooms during Finals Week at Von-Der-Gay library

12. Someone will mysteriously steal John's IPhone from his room when he is sleeping and not give it back for a long time

13. MAXIM will shoot their Christmas issue at the LMU gym

14. Some guy will come out and say he was "groped" at a DZ exchange and then the entire Sig Ep fraternity will take an extra dose of testosterone and get pissed

15. At least one Theta will flash a party, one DG will get jealous and flash herself, one Alpha Phi will be about to flash but then will realize she wants another Vodka Tonic, and then a Tri Delt... I think I'll stop here

Sketch Predictions Part 1 of 3

Posted by JV.

Over the course of the next few days, we will be making our predictions for the upcoming school year. While it would be too easy to say things like a Sig Ep will tear a pec muscle bench pressing, a Theta (most likely Slammin' Sami) will get too blacked out for an exchange or a Beta will...I don't know...appear at a Star Wars convention, these predictions may or may not happen, but considering the sketchiness of some of the things that transpire at LMU, I'd say they're pretty accurate.

1. There will be a "racist" issue on campus. There are three things that are certain to happen at LMU: Convo Hour, a Whelan third-floor resident getting her stomach pumped and a "racist" situation. I quote racist, because as we all know, racism is taken out of proportion at LMU. Far be it for me to suggest that ALL racism issues on campus are taken out of proportion because like the incident my freshman year where the campus came together to combat discrimination, there are times where it is not only a legitimate issue but a necessity to purge these bigots. However, the operative term is legitimate. Campus media, particularly our beloved Loyolan (haha) can't seem to find the difference between some drunken stick figure drawing in Rosecrans and a swastika. I can see the potential, breaking news Loyolan headlines now: STUDENT DISLIKES HER SUSHI AND THROWS IT AWAY. LEAF IN HANNON APARTMENTS FOUND IN THE SHAPE OF A SWASTIKA. BLACK MARKER FOUND IN ST. ROBS SEPARATED FROM THE BLUE, RED, AND GREEN ONES: POSSIBLE RACIST INTENT. Give me a fucking break. Does the Loyolan have nothing better to do than misconstrue typically harmless events? There's so much more interesting shit going on on campus. ASLMU events(shameless plug #1), Greek events, freshgirls at parties, service org projects you name it. There's no reason to be a shit-instigator and perpetuate the diversity uneasiness that apparently exists on this campus. If Loyolan readers wanted to read something stupid, they'd go to this site (shameless plug #2).

2. Bad Dog Ale House will be the New Harry O's. Not Mad Cow. Or Big Dog. Or Mad Dog. Bad Dog. While the events of the past week have given the place some bad pub, let's be honest, LMU students are ADD and are over it within a week. No matter how great any bar can be at any given night, LMU students still want to go somewhere else...again, ADD. Especially with legendary promoters Ryan Silver and Pat Volosin in the mix to get this place going, there's no doubt that by the time the year is over, there is no fake ID wielding/21 year old LMU student that hasn't heard of this place. Forget that the place looks shady. Forget that it has some creep regulars. OR that it gets hot as fuck inside. AND that the cop station is around the corner. AND that it is being monitored by El Segundo police for alleged drug trafficking. LMU students just wanna fuckin' dance, and they've got a decent dance floor and cheap booze to satisfy you. So bring your besties and get ready to sweat profusely.

3. A.C. Supper Club aka "FlowMotion" will be the New Harry O's. According to the Facebook group, the place boasts "LIveMuSic,DJ,DrInKs,and a posh hangout for LMUers." Now I'm not sure why it looks like it was written by a 12 year old Asian chick but nonetheless, the description is pretty accurate. Though you'd swear you thought you were in Hollywood, it's actually conveniently situated in between a KMart, soup kitchen and a bum named Earl. One of the only things I remember from the night I was there other than Thomas Ousterhout dryhumping some chick was that the place had a sick bar. Like it had all of their alcohol displayed Vegas style as if meaning to say, "Yeah we know we're in Venice and we have limpdicks like Jonny Luis promoting for us, but fuck you, we can still afford Popov!". So if you're ever around the Venice bodegas looking for a bong, mousy on over to FlowMotion or AC Supper Club or AC or whatever the fuck it's called afterward and pay $9 for a mixed drink in Venice! Sweet!

4. Someone Will Get Seriously Injured because of the Poorly Thought Out Detour in the Middle of Campus. I get it. We're building a new library. A library that most of us won't benefit from. But that doesn't mean campus should be less safe because of it. As it is, most LMU students drive like fucking maniacs. But then throw in the bro'd out skateboarders, the oblivious cell phone talkers who wouldn't know if God walked in front of them, cheerleaders on Razor Scooters (WTF is that all about anyway) and the antisocial iPod listeners and chances are, by the time the year is over, someone will have gotten hit by a car. By no means am I wanting this to happen, but whoever is or was responsible for designing the detour out in front of Hilton should be ready to pay for someone's reconstructed hip flexor. I'm sure they could've come up with something better than what's out there. If ASLMU (plug #3) can get Slightly Stoopid, Yellowcard, and Dane Cook to school, I'm sure the administration can devise a better way for students to move around campus.

5. We Will Repost the Sorority Article. We can't get in trouble after graduation, right?