We get an advice columnist... with boobs

Posted by John

In case you can't read, as of today, we've officially taken on an advice columnist. Oh, and she's a girl. Occasionally girls talk to us. And by us, I mean me and Sanjay. Oh, and the column is going to be kinda serious. Meaning, she will answer real questions in her most genuine way possible. You won't know who she is (fuck you rory), and she won't know who you are, but it will work. Trust me. Your questions can be long, short, detailed, whatever. If you want to hit on her that's fine too. She's single. And I know writers are the most attractive people in the world, especially ones that write on the internet. At least thats what a scientist told me. I've never really trusted those guys though. Gravity? Hello how do you know it exists if you CAN'T SEE IT genius? I think this will work out well because girls are the best people to ask for advice. I mean, some girls. And only when they aren't drunk. Fortunately our secret columnist is a devout born again christian and never touches alcohol except on Rash hashana. Just kidding... do you really think sober people would be friends with us?

Anyways here is her SELF INTRODUCTION which will be 102344 times better than mine. Be careful because sometimes she uses big words like "self-deprecating." I know, right? Who the hell does she think she is. If you're like JV and English isn't your first language, or if you're a film major, go slow.

............

Being an advice columnist will not always be easy. I may have to defend myself against LMU students who think that I’m being condescending, though this will always be untrue. I do not talk down to anyone, but I do judge people. All I know about other kids at this school I have assumed by their appearances – this is not superficial, but logical. I judge people based on the choices they make, like how fat they get at college or how fake their Louis Vuitton is. You can’t deny the importance of first impressions, and I am simply here to help you. Los Angeles is full of beauty, but you have to be a romantic to see it. I can turn your worst day into the first day of the rest of your life; only, I’m not trying to sleep with you, or ever actually meet you for that matter. If you eventually recognize me, I’d appreciate your continued respect for the anonymous. John, Sanjay, and JV are each charmingly self-deprecating enough to seem humble. Being a girl, I seem bitchy for calling people out. Let me give you some advice. I can upgrade you; switch your neckties to purple labels (if you catch my drift.) I know a lot about material things, because I live here. I know a lot about art, because I was raised abroad. I know a lot about relationships, because I’ve had too many. There is nothing that shocks or offends me; so please, try your hardest.

I will use pop culture references a lot, simply because it is the easiest way to relate to people. I am a lot like Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” I read too much, and people think I’m a little crazy; I have brown hair and eyes, so we almost look alike, too. I want to save people, and all of my friends are already happy; all we ever have to do is go to class. Do you honestly think you have your school year planned perfectly? I know Greek life here makes it ok to get lazy and only use facebook to socialize. If you want friends that you don’t meet through the Internet, you’re going to have to step up your game. Think of it this way: facebook right now is like e-harmony in 5 years. If you’re using it and you go to LMU, it’s probably harmless, but do you really want to be the college graduate who has to use the Internet to find love? No, you don’t. Because you’ll only meet ugly people, and noone truly wants that.

Take pride in your appearance and in your academics, but do not forget there is life outside of Westchester. Westwood and my new apartment have opened my eyes to Hollywood and partying without getting in trouble; I am only 20, but I’m a Catholic so I have been drinking on a weekly basis since I got that First Communion. My father was a military spy from Atlanta Georgia, and my mother was Miss Betty Crocker home-make of tomorrow for the state of California. I should be the next Martha Stuart, but you need my advice before it’s too late.

Give me an anonymous chance at making your life better, I know that I can. Naivety is bliss, ignorance is blinding.

- Mystery advice columnist that is a girl

Send questions to advice@youaresketch.com, or just post it in the comments so everyone can read it and laugh at your hopeless situation. Hey, at least you're not Sanjay.
 

Comments

[Maxer]

Jasmine was totally hotter than Belle.

[random]

serious articles? since when is youaresketch serious. you guys better be gettin some serious ass to account for this site becoming some sort of dr. phil column. unless im just totally missing the fact that this is actually some type of satire on people who think they can change your life with a paragraph i'm a little dissapointed with this news of change

I thought advice columnists wrote,... ummm,... advice. maybe

[random]

i didn't think youaresketch was an advice column maybe

[Mystery Advice Columnist]

Advice: stop using poor punctuation; stop bitching about things being "too serious." Of course it's satire; I bet you were really proud to use that word though. Appearance is everything, isn't that obvious? Seriously though, any questions? I can basically turn anyone into a tree-hugger, so try me. I love trees* and I never get caught.
(*the same way R. Kelly loves doubling up.)

Jasmine's dope, but she's ethnic and I'm generic. Point taken, though; try again.

[Bridget]

My boyfriend is obsessed with anal sex. Is he gay? Should I encourage him to experiment with his roommates, who I think may also be questionably homosexual?

glad this new advice columnist thing really worked out for you guys.