An Early Hanukkah Present

This is an article submitted to us by one of our very sexy female fans named "J.B." Thanks JB! Oh, and thanks for the nude pics!! AWESOME!!!!

There are some things you just know. The first time you lay eyes on your future wife, you think, "wow, she's the one." The second your hands touch the leather of a new car's upholstery you know that you will never escape monthly payments to lease this totally badass White Saturn Ion. And then there are those moments, those defining few instances in your college career that make you think, "Well, because this is such a horrendously BAD idea, I would be stupid not to do it." It is my firm belief that these moments are few and far between...and then there are those things you just know, that everybody else should JUST KNOW, too.

10. College girls are dumb.
I include myself in this. We've all done stupid things, whether they were dancing on the beer pong table at that party...while people were still playing...or if it was hooking up with your ex-boyfriend's new best friend by accident....and then trying to get back with your ex. We do very stupid things, but what needs to be pointed out is that we do stupid things that get put under the microscope because we are so fucking crazy that boys can't figure us out. My advice? If you must, do stupid shit that is funny and not pathetic. Being carefree doesn't mean be careless, and girls can have a whole lot of fun, but need to be a whole lot more aware of themselves than guys. As long as you're safe and you've got good friends who've got your back (meaning don't do anything so stupid as to alienate them) all that stupid shit you do is just another page in your best-selling memoirs...or at least mine, when I once again write about my exploits.

9. Drinking on Monday night sucks, blows, and rules at the same time.
Yes, that game of beer pong last night was necessary. Yes, the one after it was necessary too. Yes, it was completely prudent to challenge your buddy the Marine to a shot contest by calling him a "CockCushion." And yes, you have a midterm today. Guess what? Getting a shitty grade on a test feels bad for about a day or two, but getting a permanent nickname of "Princess Frostylocks" feels shitty forever. And that's the kind of name that just hurts so good.

8. If you do not want to be known as "Theater Folk" or "One of those film kids" then DO NOT wear a "Wicked" tee shirt.
I'm sure you enjoyed the show. I know you want to support your fellow actors. I know that you are defying social expectations by growing a beard and quoting Stanley Kubrick. But for the love of god; wear the tee shirt to bed. That little black shirt may have been a gift from your grandma, or perhaps the last option in a long line of dirty laundry, but a piece of advice for those of you who don't want to huddle together in someone's basement drinking Bartles and Jaymes and watching "A Clockwork Orange": WEAR A DIRTY SHIRT. It's not just a girl-repellant: it's an everybody-repellant.

7. It's not the drinking that's making you fat, it's all the shit you eat WHILE drinking that makes you fat.
The freshman 15 is not a myth. You're sitting on your ass for half the year watching Saved By the Bell (because you have that kind of time), sitting in class for a quarter of the year, and for the rest of it, you're drinking. HEAVILY. Yes, beer is terrible for your effortlessly fabulous physique. But I guarantee you would probably have saved about 8 pounds if Domino's wasn't programmed into your speeddial. Or worse, your voice dial because you're usually too wasted to figure out numbers. Keep some pita chips or pretzels handy when you're drinking. I know, you're welcome.

6. When you're the guy who gets a fake ID to hang out with older people at a bar, YOU are the reason there are no older people at the bar.
Ever been in that episode of the Twilight Zone where you paid $250 to get a card that magically gets you into a secret club where there are countless gorgeous 20-something women and an enless supply of Millionaire 20-something men, but when you got into the club, it turns out there are just an endless supply of YOU'S hanging out at the bar? Yeah, that's called "this bar is so cool to people like you that really cool people don't go there anymore." Solution? House parties. If you're 21, cool. If you're 18 (and a slightly confused girl) SPECTACULAR. If you're 29, go back to that bar and shoot the breeze with the rest of the stock brokers who wish they were still in college.

5. Things that look good drunk NEVER look good sober.
Yes, that table MAY look like a stage, and that beer bottle MAY look like a microphone, but I can guarantee that the pictures of you auditioning to be the next Intoxicated Idol are VERY REAL and just as embarrassing as you think. Likewise, that guy you hooked up with MAY have looked like Prince William last night, but this morning he looks an awful lot like Prince. Solution: drink enough to get happy, avoid sloppy. Dancing=good, singing Journey=BAD.

4. Having a car increases your chances of being the Designated Driver by 87%
Your friends from out of state got it right. No car=no driving=no responsibility=more drinking. Mathematical law tells us then that no car=more drinking. Some loopholes include:
a) your being a shitty driver so that your drunk and nauseated friends can't bear getting in the car with you sober, let alone drunk and nauseated
b)you demand gas money from everyone in the car. They will immediately find new ways of getting home.
c)you slur your words before anyone starts drinking. They will find you a ride.

3.Talking to someone for 15 minutes increases your chances of hooking up wtih them by 80%
It's true. 5 minutes means you're slightly interested but still keeping your options open. 15 minutes means that you could very well end this conversation with the words "us...my apartment...sex...now." 35 minutes increases your chances of snagging that cute girl or that charming guy dramatically. An hour and she expects you to call her tomorrow, and you are now facing a world of effort just to get back to that same level of having a 15 minute conversation.

2. Sideways trucker hats and popped collars were never cool.
So stop. Douchebag is a curse, not a "look." Stop it.

1. Stories are like a fine box of wine.
They get better with age and almost always involve you being unreasonably drunk and unspeakably classy. Be smart enough to actually survive through your college days so that you can one day tell the tale of being the legend who successfully climbed Foley theater wearing nothing but black socks while maintaining a full glass of beer.

Cheers.

Comments

simply put...Great Article

Very nice article. So true too.

[ME]

I fail to see how this article made it on this page... It is neither funnny, sarcastic, or in the least bit offensive. "girls are stupid" ha ha ha, thats the best you can do? I must ask, J.B. do you write for the Loyolan as well? That or your taking cues from John Madden, and simply writting about the most obvious incidents without any depth to it. Sanjay, JV, John, I would like an appology for this article, that or your resignation, either works.

[Jay]

Wow Matt Enegren... RELAX.

[rory]

hey ME, shut it. jessica blatter is a funny person. sometimes. well. at least she tries to be.

Hell, I enjoyed it. Enegren is to busy re-enacting civil war battles to grip the true humor behind this article.

[M]

Umm....hello? JB is a total badass, so all you twats with too much time on your hands can go back to skanking on freshman girls. Geeezzz.

Hey great run while it lasted guys. You have all officially been replaced by the dickbags at Juicycampus.com. I'll see ya over there! See ya!

[Zaca Kids.]

Jessica: 2 girls, one cup.
And gut flopping.

Google those.
You'll thank us later.

Sincerely,
Caitlin and Friends. In Steven's apartment.

(PS: D-Yo says hi.)
(PPS: Steven told me to tell you something about John. He's here.)

[AL]

this article sucked. i would fully explain all the reasons but i couldn't even finnish reading it cuz it was so bad. it was like overhearing a conversation two hung over alpha phis were having in the lions den while im trying to study. it sucked and therefore your website sucks. you should change it to wereallysuck.com. thanks and have a great thanksgiving

[..]

at least you made an effort to try and bring the site back...
but i think you failed.
o and I'm pretty sure Juicycampus.com replaced you.
Especially since your posting articles on there..

[dat dude]

any1 want the sorority article?

You can't tell the internet that something was written by a girl or every bitter, misogynistic male will hate it, duh.

[random]

wrong. it just sucks.

This article blew ass

[blaire constantino]

like totally swallows it all, likes buttfucking

youareshutdown.com D:

[awesomeness]

Are you guys going to write anymore stories??? Don't let this site die!

[Jason]

How's it going,

I am one of the writers over at COLLEGEtickr.com. I found your site from another college blog. There really aren't that many of us out there. I started this blog because I feel that this a way where we can connect all the college students in the United States and possibly throughout the world and discuss certain issues, specifically finance. It really is a shame how much debt they put us through.

I am contacting you for a link exchange. I figure that letting our know about each other's sites will be the best for both of us.

Sincerely,
Jason