www.YouAreSketch.com

BREAKING NEWS: NEW FRESHMEN FACEBOOK GROUPS

Posted by JV.

While the walls of these novel Facebook groups are in their infancy, early reports show that they may not be as entertainingly stupid as their predecessor, Loyola Marymount Class of '11. Gone are the questions about premarital sex, sneaking alcohol into Whelan, and where frat row is. Although Lindsay Davis of Manhattan, NY ponders, "Does any one else plan on partying a lot and just choose DRN [Del Rey North] because theres a less chance of getter menigitis there than rosecrans or whelan?" and Tia Moeller of San Diego, CA, comments, in response to placement into the all female dorm Sullivan, "honestly i have no doubt that our dorms will be amazing. I think all of us are getting over the same sex thing and my door is open for everyone". This is about as funny as it gets for now. Only time will tell if students will ask again about AP scores, who else is from hella cool NOR* CAL, and how to order sweatshirts online.

Here are the following links: (1) http://loyola.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2401072165, (2)http://loyola.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2433369367 ,(3) http://loyola.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2410933433 ,(4) http://loyola.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2394219669 and (5) http://loyola.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2622885939. We will be monitoring this situation closely for the addition of the Desmond 07'08 Facebook group.

Oh and Tia, in advance, please don't call P-Safe on me. (that's short for Public Safety. The campus police. They also drive in maroon SUVs. They also look like cops.)

The Ten Most Consistently Awkward Things at College

Posted by JV.

Gay Sands once attempted at a list like this but failed horribly when it disintegrated into a venting session about his penis problems and uneasiness with farting. Not only that, but he mentions things like falling asleep in class (not awkward at all), being in an elevator (only awkward if you are) and falling down in public (if you're half retarded). So I'll try and keep this one relevant, awkward and not about myself.

10. Bro Handshakes

I was tempted to place this much higher on the list, not necessarily because of its awkwardness level but because of how often it actually happens. Example: Any interaction with a Sig Ep. Do you go for the broshake (grip, hug, finger curl)? A fist pound? The early 90's up top high five? The corporate deathgrip? LMU studies show that the broshake is the default greeting on campus so greet accordingly. However, be mindful of ethnic handshakes because those tend to incorporate some crazy pop your collar move, shimmy, and/or some rap lyric to be chanted in unison. 

9. Running Out of LION Money While In Line in the LAIR Trying to Buy a Salandwich During Convo

Question: Who would you rather knee in the groin, a person in line at the LAIR paying with cash or a person in line at the LAIR who just ran out of LION money? Answer: Trick question. Both. However, if you're either one of these two imbeciles, it would be so much more awkward that you can't buy your salandwich because of insufficient LION funds. It may not even be awkward at this point, but embarrasing. Granted ordering Domino's Pizza with Chicken Kickers, Cheesy Bread and a Six Pack of Diet Coke once a week combined with the prices Sodexho charges for things like an apple, Pop Tarts and a boxed shitty assortment of rotting lettuce, aged carrots, and smushy tomatoes with a side of sour dressing they call a salad, your LION dollars should be almost gone by the end of the year. But come on now, just because your LION money spending habits are worse than____________ (insert any Playa resident) on illict drugs, please don't waste my time with your poorness and inferior status. At any rate, the revelation that your parents don't love you enough to feed you and everyone behind you in line knowing this should be awkward enough.

8. Trying to Start Conversation on the UHall Escalators

This one's actually really funny, both as a spectator and a participant. There's something about class being dismissed from UHall that makes me feel like the only thing missing is Alice Cooper's "School's Out for Summer" blaring from loud speakers. And then you get onto the escalators. LiKe oMg! CaN yoU beLieVe sAraH (not based on real person) hoOkeD uP wItH.....and then before you realize it you're yelling and you're at the top of the escalator and she is at the bottom. Or how about when you try and perfectly execute a broshake, reference #10 on this list, and end up nearly dislocating your shoulder. There was actually one time when I saw these two girls have one of those conversations on the escalator and evidently, the conversation was so important that when one girl got to the top of the escalator she actually went down the escalator to talk to tell her friend about who groped her at Sharkeez.

7. Working Out in Between the Hours of 3 pm - 7 pm

The gym at its peak hours can turn out to be a breeding ground for awkward situations. At its essence, it is Convo relocated to Burns Rec. I mean, all the key elements are there: sweaty sorority girls in makeup and Greek Life paraphernalia; frat bros (and Sanjay) in cutoffs, exclusively mingling with their chapter, Sig Ep posting in high visibility positions; LMU's Overrated (Sanjay) floating around perfecting the art of self-promotion; the occasional recent alum stopping by because they were "around". The gym should place a disclaimer in the entrance saying: Socialize at your risk. How terrible is it to see the freshgirl that you've been inappropriately lusting over since the First Convo of The Year--it is a huge event so it deserves capitalization-- with gross sweat stains and acne that wasn't properly attended to prior to going to the gym? It goes both ways. You see that cute guy from that one exchange where you blacked out and it turns out that he (a) is not cute and (b) doesn't use deodorant. They will never be the same again.

6. Being Bad at Drinking Games

At LMU, we take pride in our skill at drinking games. Look no further to the amount of seriousness and enthusiasm given to Sharkeez' Tuesday night Flip Cup which by the way is completely rigged so that Sanjay's team "Teabaggers" gets to play all the shitty teams like the random Sharkeez drifters and whatever team John Jorgensen is on. So to be the weak link on a Flip Cup team, the consistently inconsistent beer pong partner or the uncoordinated fuck in a Hockey game is suuuuuuuper awkward. Unlike Facebook, you can't untag yourself when you look like an idiot. You might as well don a Scarlet Letter signifying your ineptitude.

5. "Knowing" Someone Purely by Means of Facebook

If you find yourself in a situation like this, it is the first sign of officially being a Facebook creep. I'll be honest, this has happened to me on more than one occasion and it's pretty bad. So yes, I just admitted I'm a Facebook creep. The best is the Lair when it's super busy. I'll walk around with the intent of bumping into someone I know, but in the process end up seeing some of the people I've recently Facebook creeped on. Besides the fact that I "know" their name and that her middle name is Marie, I also know that she enjoys Sex and the City, is single, LOVES her family, friends and laughing for no apparent reason, and has a list of inside jokes and drunk statements from all her "besties" as her Favorite Quotes. Oh yeah, and she probably lives for the nights she won't remember with the friends she'll NEVER FORGET!!!!But the Emily Smith's, Natalie Johnson's and Eleni Anderson's of campus don't count. Let's be honest, I'm sure they relish in being in the spank banks of the entire Computer Science department but they're too involved. I'm talking about the more underground, unaffiliated and sometimes unsocial yet attractive people on campus. More often than not, they turn out to be freshgirls which means that I, in fact, creep on freshgirls. But who doesn't?

4. Sodexho Workers

It's like someone gathered a handful of maids from around Westchester, gave them a uniform, promised them free Jamba Juice and taught them how to swipe a OneCard. My favorite Sodexho worker of all time, and I am embarassed that I don't remember his name because of the amount of joy he brings to my trips to UHall, is the gentleman who floats around UHall in the Cafe or over at Roski's. He is decked out in a full white labsuit tricking people into thinking that he is either handling hazardous materials or will be boiling beakers and test tubes, and completes the outfit with a matching, 4 foot tall, white chef's hat. Sure, his attire is funny in itself but what's funnier is the fact that I've never seen him cook anything. Ever. He pushes the little cart with the Tuscan Turkey Sandwiches from Roski to the Cafe, walks back to Roski to probably slice some more provolone, and then walks back to the UHall Cafe to replenish the Odwalla juice inventory. The guy is a riot. He's like the guy in Ratatouille except doesn't have rat friends (that I'm aware of). Oh, and also not a chef.

3. Making Eye Contact w/a Person in a Library Study Room

I love awkward eye contact. The best that this campus has to offer is making eye contact with someone in a library study room. You know the drill. You're walking around the library looking for a quiet place to update your MySpace and then as you turn to look to see if a study room is occupied, the person in there gives you some menacing stare as if to say "I'll kill your mother". You now have the deer-in-the-headlights look and have been mentally registered by at least one person as a Von Der Ahe Peeping Tom. My dream is that one day I'll finally have something worth peeping on. Like two chicks making out or even better, having a pillow fight in their pajamas.

2. Formal

My non-Greek affiliation limits my knowledge about this one, but from what I hear from Greeks...it's definitely awkward. Ladies, no matter what, your date is going to want some ass. So don't get all creeped out when after a few Margs by the pool, he starts rubbing your groin. I've heard stories about how awkward it was sleeping in the same room, her not giving it up, etc. Terrible. Why the celibacy? It's not like it's junior prom where you and your virginity need to be home by 1 am. So live a little sweetheart! Before you know it, you're 45, unattractive, nostalgic about the times you did nothing during your sorority formals, your 16 year old daughter is getting laid more often than you, and your husband is sneaking around with the Little League "Team Mom". Which leads me to my next point, selecting an appropriate date. In a prior terribly written reader-contributed article, "FRAT" touches on this topic. The caveat, we're just going as friends not only means that you may have to pocket a few more roofies but almost ensures things will get awkward. So guys, my suggestion? Take someone who's fun, has a low tolerance, and who is attractive enough to dome you up in a Mexican bathroom.

1. When You Can't Get Your Dick Up

Fuck, Sanjay was right.

'07 Valedictorian ...runners up

Posted by John

So I decided to see if the Loyolan website (http://www.laloyolan.com) had posted anything lately since I have so much cool shit to do this summer that this is the kind of thing I do in my spare time. While they didn't have any new articles up, what they do have on the front page is an article posted in April that I had never seen about the Valedictorian of 2007. Actually, the article is about the 5 runners-up.

There was only one 2007 Valedictorian: this guy. But of course, no one loses at LMU, so out of the kindness of their hearts the Loyolan decides to do this:

The Loyolan would like to extend its sincerest of congratulations to the other five finalists for this year's valedictorian. In an effort to recognize the finalists and share their perspectives on graduation, we present these excerpts from the finalists' 'would have been' speeches.

Without further adieu (what kind of fucking word is that), here are the titles as well as my handpicked excerpts I've decided to highlight from these amazing speeches (that never actually happened).

[By the way I have never met these people. I am sure they are wonderful human beings. I don't have anything against any of them or their amazing GPAs that I will never achieve. I just think it's funny to make fun of their speeches. thankssss]

Stephanie Nordseth

Title: "LMU is a Village"

This might have been a good title if the speech were given by M. Night Shyamalan. Its actually pretty accurate because I feel like I'm in "The Village" anytime I spend a few hours on LMU campus and then walk into the real world and see a homeless guy.

Excerpt: "To educate a person in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society." Who can argue? Throughout our time at LMU, ethics have been a foremost concern. All of us, regardless of emphasis, have been required to take a course in ethics. As I enter an industry that has been plagued by corruption, greed and scandals, I know that I will be distinguished as one of the few accountants who has attended an ethics course, and who has been inspired to stand up for what is right.

Apparently taking a course in ethics automatically makes you a miniature Ghandi when it comes to questions of morality, all thanks to LMU. I've taken two ethics courses at LMU and I cannot say that studying Kant's "categorical imperative" has had a large effect on students' moral decisions in the real world. Studying Kant does, however, affect synonyms that students use for the female vagina.

Catherine Lima

Title: "Class 007"

Get it? 007... like Bond. James Bond. Someone was bound to do it. With a title like this I can only guess what the rest of the speech will be like. (shitty)

Excerpt: "Each year LMU graduates a class of outstanding seniors, but we the class of 2007 are the first class in LMU history worthy of the name Double-O-Seven. I'd say the name accurately reflects the true nature of our class, as we are suave, daring, passionate, and have been given the necessary spy gadgets and training to execute our missions in life."

Wait, is she serious about this whole 007 thing. This isn't really the theme, right.

"In our first weeks at LMU, the lifestyle seemed like a Casino Royale, as we were constantly wined and dined with free barbeques for freshmen wherever you turned."

She is. Actually this is really creative. Freshman year was a lot like the Casino Royale movie: Bond gets poisoned; freshmen get alcohol poisoning. Bond... ok actually that was the only one I could come up with.

David Niemeyer

Title: "A Unique Experience"

I love this one. This title immediately places the time spent at LMU in the same category as other unique experiences such as seeing your favorite band play a farewell concert, cutting a snowflake out of construction paper (no two are the same!), or your roommate walking in on you masturbating with a Dust Buster. Touche Mr. Niemeyer.

Excerpt:  Today marks an important milestone in each of our lives, and, if any have questioned the significance of earning a diploma, the number of people in attendance at this ceremony, and the great distance traveled by many of them to be here, is testament to our tremendous achievement.

College graduation is certainly an achievement, especially if you're graduating from a school like LMU, but it's not just because there were "a shit load" of people there. Case in point: here.

Sarah Santos

Title: "Learning to Listen"

If I didn't know better I'd think this was the title of a relationship how-to book or maybe a manual for the deaf. In fact its just the title of Sarah's valedictorian speech (that she didn't give), which is fitting because I just skimmed through her speech and I would have to take a semester-long class taught by a nobel prize winning scientist in order to learn how to focus my brain long enough to listen to the entire thing. Seriously I think you have to be a zen master or something. Maybe they could make it one of those tests that samurais have to pass before they are allowed to go into battle, like meditating under an ice cold waterfall or sleeping on nails.

Excerpt: There is a prayer by a Jesuit named John Veltri, and this particular prayer speaks to me about the personality of this class. The prayer is entitled, "Teach Me To Listen," and it starts like this:

I think its safe to say that right at this point in the speech the entire audience would be drawn so closely together by Sarah's words that they would all share the exact same thought: "Shit."

Jenny Lower

Title: "The Self"

Judging from the title of this speech I would guess that Jenny was a valedictorian candidate at Otis instead of LMU. They would announce her name and suddenly this weird tribal music would start to play and a huge backdrop would be unfurled with a giant picture of one of those flowers that you can blow on and all those things go everywhere and then she would be lowered onto the stage by nude trapeze artists covered in orange body paint, wearing some crazy head dress and do some impressionist dance and then she'd walk up to the microphone and say "Love." and then walk off stage and the crowd would roar in applause.

Excerpt: We should not despair if we do not know what lies ahead. We are works-in-progress, waiting for the future to be revealed to us. And when our impatience gets the better of us, we can remember these final words from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

"Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be. Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete."

Hallelujah, finally some good advice. Don't worry about the future, simply let the hand of God guide you to your destiny. In debt from student loans? Don't stress out about "making a plan" to pay them back, let God take care of it. Can't decide between two career choices? Stop weighing pro's and con's, just flip a coin and let God decide if it lands heads or tails. A great lesson. In fact, this lesson is so important that this valedictorian speech could have only been written by one person... God himself. You're off the hook this time Jenny.

YouAreSketch: Go F^#* Yourself!

YourareSketch: Go F Yourself!

 

As youaresketch slowly begins crawling its way towards their 1 year anniversary, one can only wonder what the site will do to celebrate it's 1 year of gayness. An extra wall post written by Sanjay? An extra "F" Mondays video posted by John (on Wednesday) perhaps? Hell, with the way things have been going this summer, I'll bet we're treated with absolutely nothing until JV's dialect coach reminds him that he needs to make his monthly payment to the god damn domain owner. Looking back at all that has been (and all that COULD have been) on youaresketch, one has to wonder why people continue to visit the site. Is it the cool background music that plays when I enter? No. Is it the well-written, thought-out social commentaries with a hip "in your face!" attitude these men provide? Fuck no. I don’t even think it's the sheer fact that every 4 weeks, a new blonde theta is shown in the top left hand corner of this page in some sexually suggestive pose that just *might* give me a boner if I was drunk. I guess what I'm trying to say is CONGRATULATIONS YOUARESKETCH! You have successfully managed to waste 1 year of my time and the following is the top 5 reasons why I hate you. Youaresketch.... GO F YOURSELF!

 

1. The Founders:

 

 a) Sanjay Bhatia (aka Greased Lighting aka Cow Gums aka The Scrote aka Burns Rec Bitch Boy aka Alpha Phi Ivy Man

 The ultimate "poster child" of the website. The founder that dedicates the majority of his time putting this shit show of a webpage into the LMU limelight. My problem with Sanjay is his inept ability to embrace the fact that he created this site solely to try and get laid. Does anyone else notice this except for me? Although he may claim he does it to improve his creative writing ability, we all know its just another way he wants to climb the LMU ladder into overrated la la land. Eat a dick Sanjay!

 Life after YouareSketch: Harry O's Club Promoter (even after they've shut down)

 

 b) John Jorgensen (aka Grilled Cheese Face aka The Donkey Douche aka The Soggy Whisker Biscuit)

 John Jorgensen may act like Nick Nolte in Blue Chips but he looks like Nick Nolte from The Hulk. If Sanjay is the face-whore of this threesome, John is the digital mastermind that spends countless hours maintaining the technical side of the website. Since Jorgensen knows this site wont get him laid, he instead partook on this endeavor because...well, he really has nothing better going on. Plus, he's a Sigma Chi. The most action a Sigma Chi ever sees is when they watch the Delta Zeta lip sync performance. 

 Life after YouareSketch: Meatspin.com domain owner.

 

 c) JV Vicente (aka Junior Varsity, aka Wang Flied Lice aka Sanjay's Asian Butt Buddy.

 DOES ANYONE EVEN KNOW WHO THE FUCK THIS GUY IS?

 Life after YouareSketch: Karate Instructor

 

Founders Grade: F-

 

 

2. The Site Layout

 

This site would be simply amazing if we were still living in 1996. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt considering they are college kids and its not like they have the time to spend on a website that makes less money than a Tri Delta Philanthropy. I still feel we as viewers deserve something a little better. I don’t know guys, give us like a cool black metallic background with a cartoon of Iggy the Lion doing a beer bong with a leprechaun in the left hand corner or something. Put funny facebook pictures surrounding the website (the majority of which should be frat boys doing the shocker.) Why not put up a buncha random pictures of Officer York with funny captions attached? For god sakes, just sell out and copy and paste everything that appears on collegehumor.com because this essentially is like the retarded kid brother of that website anyways. 

Site layout: D-

 

3. The Sketch Poster-Child of the week

Who the hell is that? In what used to seem like a prestigious award given to only the truly sketchiest and sluttiest of LMU's elite, eventually just turned into "who Jorgensen went to a bar with on Monday" or "who Sanjay is currently trying to fuck." The poster-child has now lost it's flame when we're getting B-squad LMU social rejects being displayed in some douche pose that would fit perfectly into a Beta rush video. Who is Chelsea St.Ives? What about that "Slammin" Sammi"? In the words of the late Jerry Seinfeld (he's not really dead, he just sucks now) WHO

ARE

...THESE PEOPLE? The poster child should be on there because they actually sketch people out or have done some seriously questionable things that past week. Michael Corrigan is sketch. Sarah Bauer is REALLY sketch. Mark Archer? NOT sketch. Get a better handle on the poster-children you're putting up there because it's turning into some bullshit facebook convo hour and it makes the rest of us feel like a bunch of assholes. 

Sketch Posterchildren: F+

 

4. The User Contributed Farticles (from now I'm adding an "F" in front of the word article so that it sounds more like the word FART)

 

Who actually does this? From the few farticles we've seen submitted, most of them actually make JV look like a good writer. First we got to see a few "dump worthy" farticles (that means their only worth reading when you're taking a fat dump) that were most likely written by Sanjay himself but these eventually turned into the worst blog postings I think any of us have ever read. I know Alpha Phi Comm majors that have spurted out better writing in an

AIM

convo than some of the bullshit I've read here. That "How to pick a P/A Date" farticle was by far the most idiotic thing I've ever read and if I could wipe my ass with a website, I would have. Any of Alyssa Holden's farticle's made me feel like I was reading a Tiger Beat magazine written entirely by 14-year old girls (with down syndrome). Oh and Richard Slimdick? Who are you kidding asshole? You fucking graduated! In conclusion guys, take my advice, fire all your writers, get some real English majors willing to do the job right, remove your penis's from Matt Carroll's butthole, and learn how to monitor your fucking contributors! Case in point, look at the one you just published. Whooops!

Contributed Articles: C-

 

5. The Impact it has had on the LMU community (or lack thereof)

 

The greatest thing about a blog worthy website is that it thrives off of the social community that surrounds it. Whenever a new CONTOVERSIAL article would be released, it would make its waves through the bowels of the convo hour tables until it would eventually fizzle out and die along with gossip such as "who shit in the hotub?", "which newspaper is the most racist?" and "who did all that heroin down in Mexico?". One main farticle that comes to mind is the fan favorite, WHICH SORORITY SHOULD I JOIN which was posted for a grand total of 28 minutes before it was taken down and emailed to every single girl in Sanjay's spank bank. So why the censorship? Isn't the whole point of an unofficial blog to provide a real, provocative alternative rather than the usual Loyolan bullshit we're so used to. Hell, even the boner-ass comments I make are sometimes heavily edited just so the LMU administration doesn't try to anal rape Jorgensen again. Another dump worthy farticle was the overrated LMU Incoming Freshmen Facebook group that combined the genius of Maddox and the diarrhea of Jorgensen to combine the ultimate freshmen shit talking fest. I think the actual facebook group was eventually disbanded because some of the freshmen were afraid they might get their ass kicked by Andrew Aradi before coming to LMU. Haha! Pussies. Overall, as much as this site has made an impact at LMU, it really hasn't reached out further than the Convo Hour Harry O's Crew (aka Greek Life). Reach into some new markets guys! Greek Life can only handle so much gossip.

Cultural Impact: D+

 

Honarable Mentions

 

The F&*% Mondays Videos -- Dude these videos suck. If I wanted to watch a video of Bear Grylls eating a Zebra, I'd watch my Tivo. If I wanted to watch a gay 80's music video, I'd go to Sanjay's. If I go online to watch videos, I want to see a homemade movie clip of Ninja's vs. Pirate's in an ultimate food fight in the lair. Make it happen douches. 

 

That one time you had that scene from ET as your banner -- No. Just no. Not funny

 

The month and a half that goes by when you never update the site -- this just gives me further reason to keep watching online porn (aka any Theta's photos on facebook)

 

The "buy us a beer" thing -- I wont even let you borrow my lion dollars so what makes you think any of us are actually gonna buy you a fucking beer.

 

Sanjay's "why its cool to do drugs" farticle -- this made me never want to touch any form of illegal substance because I was afraid I might end up as gay as Sanjay makes it sound.

 

Overall Site GPA: D+

 

 

All this being said, I do have to commend the gleesome threesome for actually making it this far in the game. I think when youaresketch first started, most people thought it was going to be a typical Douchey LMU flavor of the week (much like Shawn Teirney) but unfortunately it has tugged along slowly gaining momentum and eventually turning into the chode-fest it is today. Despite the three of you guys constantly making us feel sorry for you, you do at least supply every bored LMU kid a way to waste 20 more minutes NOT studying for their final. You guys have actually given me another website to regularly visit besides lemonparty.com and lmu.edu. So, I guess when all is said and done. Thank you Sanjay, John and JV. Thank you for making this site and thanks for giving all of LMU something to constantly laugh at. I guess you actually do make your readers a little happy. All 14 of them. Go F Yourselves!

 

Cheers!

 

-- A user contributed article

The Harry O's Eulogy

Posted by Jay

[I wrote this article at work, and considering the vast profanities and just plain inappropriate content, I fully expect to be back in the job market come Monday so if anyone knows of a good opening, please be sure to let me know.]

Harry O's was to LMU what birth control is to Thetas: a necessity. I would be flat-out shocked if there was one LMU upperclassman who had never experienced Harry O's: the sweat running down the walls, the prison-escapees pretending to be bartenders, and of course, the promoters who would "definitely get on you before any other girl, unless of course you have a sister in kindergarten." The previous statement does not apply to: Beta, ASLMU 2006, Beta Gamma Sigma, campus tourguides, film majors, the employees of the bookstore, victims of autism, The Healthy Living Community, Kevin Saldivar, and anybody even remotely conscious of health standards.

Walking into Scary Hoes as a freshman was easily the most intimidating ten minutes of my college career. It was like our university's very own Hollywood club... only not in Hollywood and comparable to the size of a library study room. Can you remember your first time at Harry O's? Probably not, because most people's first taste involves walking in sober, realizing you're way too normal (and sober) to be there, dry-humping twenty people to clear a path to the bar (to get un-sober), chugging your vodka-tonic that somehow took twenty minutes to roofie, laughing at Adam Chemerinsky, talking to one Sig Ep, Alpha Phi and Theta respectively, waiting in a line longer than Disneyland to take a piss while concurrently wondering why you keep hearing sniffles from the disabled stall, walking outside to smoke a cigarette, throwing up in the designated Harry O's "throw up wall" around the corner, trying to sneak back in, getting kicked out by that huge Mexican bouncer, and then telling all your friends how fun it was.

As horrible as that sounds, we all did it every Thursday night for at least a year before graduating to Sharkeez where we now feel less like children and more like adults through over-zealous Flip Cup tournaments that never fail to end in a fight over "who should bear the blame for not chugging fast enough." One thing that cannot be debated is that Harry O's sure managed to provide its fair share of entertainment. We laughed there. We cried there. We fought there. We threw up there. We peed on the ground. We madeout with that fourth-year senior in our TR College Writing class. We had sex on the dance floor. We got those weird swollen wharts on our... Wait a second...

F*%^ Mondays (and John)

Yes I'm aware that I'm about a year late, but I just had to post this. This could potentially make you stand up and sing or stand up and place a noose around your neck. Personal shoutout to John Jorgensen to which this clip is dedicated; without your unflinchingly adamant hatred of this song, I may not have any reason to enjoy this music video to the unhealthy extent it has now currently reached. Disclaimer: extreme 80's lameness.

End of an era - Harry O's closes

Posted by John

Ryan Silver, the enigmatic club promoter responsible for 96% of the messages in your private inbox, has created a Facebook event officially announcing the closing of LMU's favorite blackout spot, Harry O's.

I don't know what I'm more upset about, the ending of the critically acclaimed HBO mob drama The Sopranos, hailed by many as the best show to ever appear on television and winner of numerous Emmy awards, or the closing of that-one-place-you-go-across-the-street-after-Sharkeez-closes. What I do know is that the closing of such a legendary LMU hangout deserves to be memorialized in an article on YAS (see what I did there?). What I also know is that I'm too lazy to write it. Anyone: write up a Harry O's send-off and as long as its more legible than the signature on JV's green card I'll post it on the site. As always, the email is contribute@YouAreSketch.com.

I will say that I'll forever miss the $1 pint nights that encourage you to resort to theft by shoving pint glasses in your friend's purse for next week, the ultra cool MTV reality show sign ups, Ali Mortazavi's celebrity guest DJ appearances, and most of all, the constant cluster-fuck of the entire interior of the bar that manages to induce claustrophobia at levels comparable to being buried alive.

Summer Internship

Posted by JV.

Ever since I was a senior in high school, career counselors have always emphasized the importance of getting "real work-experience". What does that even mean, "real work experience"? Are they belittling the brosephs that work at Pac Sun? Devaluing the importance of those movie-ticket tearers? Dehumanizing the junior college chicks that still work at Hollister? Apparently, yes, yes and yes. Thankfully for me, I've moved on from those menial and slave labor jobs to... another menial and slave labor job AKA an internship. Now I must distinguish that not all interships are the same. (1) Paid. So what, if you still have to fetch a cup of coffee like a good doggie or replace the ink/toner/paper seemingly every other day? You get paid for it and that's all that matters. And besides, if you were to really look into what you're getting paid for, it would probably be for 1 hour of actual work and 7 hours of Facebook. Sweeeeeeeet. (2) A good internship. Now by good internship I'm talking about the kind of internship where when you put it on your resume, a future interviewer will blow a load quicker than Sanjay Bhatia. Shameless, I know. Examples: Google, Goldman Sachs, Hustler, Deloitte. (3) Unpaid. Where most of us interns rot. Sidenote: it may just be me, but the term intern is inherently insulting. I looked it up in the dictionary, and synonyms included minion, indentured servant, child. While the job descriptions often require interns to be "proficient in Excel, Outlook and Word", "customer service background is preferred", "detail-oriented" what they really want you to have is a tolerance for minimal brain use in an office setting. How's that for an action-oriented statement on your resume?

Having been exposed to the three types of internships, here as a public service, are people that you can expect to bump elbows with. Oh and pucker up, their asses are ripe for the kissing.

The Foreigner

Most Likely Alma Mater: you've never heard of it.

Most Likely Job Title: Head of IT. 

After Work, He Probably Will: Log on to a MMO-RPG with people from all over the world and getting XP with my party using team-speak. (He understands this, trust me)

Why You Should Kiss His Ass: Besides the fact that he can hack into your contact list and send out inappropiate mass emails, you don't want your boss to know about all the softcore porn sites you visit during work, do you?

The Overly Zealous Ladder Climber

Most Likely Alma Mater: Stanford.

Most Likely Job Title: Assistant Regional Manager of Sales.

After Work, He Probably Will: Try and hangout with your boss.

Why You Should Kiss His Ass: When he doesn't get his promotion, he'll send you an Outlook reminder to not go to work the next day because he plans to set the building on fire. 

The Softball Guy

Most Likely Alma Mater: Notre Dame

Most Likely Job Title: VP of Manufacturing and Distribution

After Work, He Probably Will: Go out to the local sports bar to talk Notre Dame football and shamlessly boast about how he's  on a 3 game hitting streak on his corporate softball team.

Why You Should Kiss His Ass: God forbid should he be on a hitting slump, you wouldn't want to be the guy he doesn't like.

The Recent Grad

Most Likely Alma Mater: USC

Most Likely Job Title: Whatever is a step higher than intern on your company's organizational chart.

After Work, He Probably Will: Meet with college frat bros, go to Metal Skool or Saddleranch and get totally blacked out!!!!

Why You Should Kiss His Ass: He probably still has connections to USC Alpha Phi's.

The Cougar 

Most Likely Alma Mater: San Diego State

Most Likely Job Title: Wait, she actually works?

After Work, She Probably Will: Pick up kids from school, go home and make dinner, wash dishes, do the laundry and then have sex with her husband. Fucks you.

Why You Should Kiss Her Ass: Well figuratively speaking, she has a history of getting too drunk at corporate functions so you'll never know...she could toss her inhibitions and her marriage aside. And guess who's there to take advantage? That's right, you are.

The Other Intern

Most Likely Alma Mater: Community College

Most Likely Job Title: The Shittier Intern

After Work, He Probably Will: Swear he's gonna go party hard and meet up with some hot girls but in actuality, ends up watching Seinfeld reruns.

Why You Should Kiss His Ass: Being able to leave Kragen Auto Parts has made him appreciate this internship, however, you know better. When he gets "let go" because of the company's decision to go "another direction", he'll call and offer you a few Natty Ice's at his place.

There you have it. I just spent the last hour and half writing that article proving that time spent at an internship is well spent.

JV's Television Debut

Posted by John

Here's something to watch while you're pretending to work at your big shot summer internship. The top 25 eliminations from MXC season 1. Personally I haven't watched past #3 because the first one with the soccer ball is so f'ing funny I just keep starting the video over from the beginning. Seriously who agrees to be on this game show. All they do is get concussions and the weird part is they keep smiling even after they hit their face on a boulder, like they're happy about it. Its kind of like my Tamagatchi how even when I don't feed it for a few days it still loves me and wakes me up at 8:30 am with its built-in alarm. I love you too Cho-Cho.

Aaron Karo

Posted by Jay

What up guys... I decided to post some funny articles from one of my favorite modern comedians, Aaron Karo. He lives in LA via NYC, and is really funny. He typically deals with "the twenty-something life" and I've been reading his weekly column, Ruminations, for years now. I would categorize him as not nearly as offensive as Tucker Max but way funnier, wittier and straighter than JV. If you like what you read below, you can check him out at www.aaronkaro.com. Check it out...

Excerpts from Nocturnal Admission :

-No twentysomething in the nightlife scene is more skilled in the art of hyperbole than the promoter.  Promoters are paid by clubs and bars to attract people to their establishments, usually via an unsolicited barrage of calls, emails, text messages and crazily ornate fliers featuring japanimation cartoons of scantily-clad women who, if they really existed, wouldn’t go within a hundred yards of said establishment.  Never ask a promoter if a party is actually going to be good because this is the answer you’re bound to receive: “It’s going to be off the heezie.  Seriously, dude, off the heezie.  There’s not even going to be any more heezie after this party, man.”  Um, OK, I think I’m just going to stay home and jerk off to this flier instead.

-Never meet your friends out at the bar unless you know exactly where the bar is.  Because once your friends get hammered, the odds of them being able to direct you to a dive with no sign off an alleyway on Avenue B are slim to none.  Drunk friends can’t even comprehend why you can’t find the bar.  They’re like, “Karo, what do you mean you can’t find the bar?  We’re in the bar…we’re in the bar right now, just come inside!”

-Why is it that you can be naked hooking up with a chick all night but when she gets up in the morning to put her bra on she turns her back to you?

-This month, however, is a time for introspection for me because it marks exactly four years since my last serious relationship.  You learn a lot about yourself being single that long.  You also learn that the girls you hook up with over the years tend to have the same traits.  For instance, mine all seem to wear Uggs and have those magnetic words plastered all over their refrigerators.  Great, all these years of bachelorhood and I’m attracting women with bad grammar who wear boots in the summer.

-I don’t like the fact that everything advertised these days is guaranteed to work.  There is not one product on the market that does not offer guaranteed satisfaction or your money back.  It’s pretty much impossible that all these claims can be true.  And who are the people who actually request their money back from a stick of deodorant?  If you have so much time on you hands that you’re demanding anti-perspirant reimbursement, it’s pretty safe to say no one cares you’re sweaty anyway.

-One of the most depressing experiences in twentysomething life is having to go to the ATM two days in a row.  It’s almost like when you swipe your card the machine says, “What, you again?”  And, just once, I’d like to not be completely baffled by my account balance on the receipt.  You always do that double take like, what the hell is going on here?  Why is my balance $4,000 less than it’s supposed to be?  I don’t get it, I was just here yesterday!

Hope that helped you get through this Monday. Jay.