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An Early Hanukkah Present

This is an article submitted to us by one of our very sexy female fans named "J.B." Thanks JB! Oh, and thanks for the nude pics!! AWESOME!!!!

There are some things you just know. The first time you lay eyes on your future wife, you think, "wow, she's the one." The second your hands touch the leather of a new car's upholstery you know that you will never escape monthly payments to lease this totally badass White Saturn Ion. And then there are those moments, those defining few instances in your college career that make you think, "Well, because this is such a horrendously BAD idea, I would be stupid not to do it." It is my firm belief that these moments are few and far between...and then there are those things you just know, that everybody else should JUST KNOW, too.

10. College girls are dumb.
I include myself in this. We've all done stupid things, whether they were dancing on the beer pong table at that party...while people were still playing...or if it was hooking up with your ex-boyfriend's new best friend by accident....and then trying to get back with your ex. We do very stupid things, but what needs to be pointed out is that we do stupid things that get put under the microscope because we are so fucking crazy that boys can't figure us out. My advice? If you must, do stupid shit that is funny and not pathetic. Being carefree doesn't mean be careless, and girls can have a whole lot of fun, but need to be a whole lot more aware of themselves than guys. As long as you're safe and you've got good friends who've got your back (meaning don't do anything so stupid as to alienate them) all that stupid shit you do is just another page in your best-selling memoirs...or at least mine, when I once again write about my exploits.

9. Drinking on Monday night sucks, blows, and rules at the same time.
Yes, that game of beer pong last night was necessary. Yes, the one after it was necessary too. Yes, it was completely prudent to challenge your buddy the Marine to a shot contest by calling him a "CockCushion." And yes, you have a midterm today. Guess what? Getting a shitty grade on a test feels bad for about a day or two, but getting a permanent nickname of "Princess Frostylocks" feels shitty forever. And that's the kind of name that just hurts so good.

8. If you do not want to be known as "Theater Folk" or "One of those film kids" then DO NOT wear a "Wicked" tee shirt.
I'm sure you enjoyed the show. I know you want to support your fellow actors. I know that you are defying social expectations by growing a beard and quoting Stanley Kubrick. But for the love of god; wear the tee shirt to bed. That little black shirt may have been a gift from your grandma, or perhaps the last option in a long line of dirty laundry, but a piece of advice for those of you who don't want to huddle together in someone's basement drinking Bartles and Jaymes and watching "A Clockwork Orange": WEAR A DIRTY SHIRT. It's not just a girl-repellant: it's an everybody-repellant.

7. It's not the drinking that's making you fat, it's all the shit you eat WHILE drinking that makes you fat.
The freshman 15 is not a myth. You're sitting on your ass for half the year watching Saved By the Bell (because you have that kind of time), sitting in class for a quarter of the year, and for the rest of it, you're drinking. HEAVILY. Yes, beer is terrible for your effortlessly fabulous physique. But I guarantee you would probably have saved about 8 pounds if Domino's wasn't programmed into your speeddial. Or worse, your voice dial because you're usually too wasted to figure out numbers. Keep some pita chips or pretzels handy when you're drinking. I know, you're welcome.

6. When you're the guy who gets a fake ID to hang out with older people at a bar, YOU are the reason there are no older people at the bar.
Ever been in that episode of the Twilight Zone where you paid $250 to get a card that magically gets you into a secret club where there are countless gorgeous 20-something women and an enless supply of Millionaire 20-something men, but when you got into the club, it turns out there are just an endless supply of YOU'S hanging out at the bar? Yeah, that's called "this bar is so cool to people like you that really cool people don't go there anymore." Solution? House parties. If you're 21, cool. If you're 18 (and a slightly confused girl) SPECTACULAR. If you're 29, go back to that bar and shoot the breeze with the rest of the stock brokers who wish they were still in college.

5. Things that look good drunk NEVER look good sober.
Yes, that table MAY look like a stage, and that beer bottle MAY look like a microphone, but I can guarantee that the pictures of you auditioning to be the next Intoxicated Idol are VERY REAL and just as embarrassing as you think. Likewise, that guy you hooked up with MAY have looked like Prince William last night, but this morning he looks an awful lot like Prince. Solution: drink enough to get happy, avoid sloppy. Dancing=good, singing Journey=BAD.

4. Having a car increases your chances of being the Designated Driver by 87%
Your friends from out of state got it right. No car=no driving=no responsibility=more drinking. Mathematical law tells us then that no car=more drinking. Some loopholes include:
a) your being a shitty driver so that your drunk and nauseated friends can't bear getting in the car with you sober, let alone drunk and nauseated
b)you demand gas money from everyone in the car. They will immediately find new ways of getting home.
c)you slur your words before anyone starts drinking. They will find you a ride.

3.Talking to someone for 15 minutes increases your chances of hooking up wtih them by 80%
It's true. 5 minutes means you're slightly interested but still keeping your options open. 15 minutes means that you could very well end this conversation with the words "us...my apartment...sex...now." 35 minutes increases your chances of snagging that cute girl or that charming guy dramatically. An hour and she expects you to call her tomorrow, and you are now facing a world of effort just to get back to that same level of having a 15 minute conversation.

2. Sideways trucker hats and popped collars were never cool.
So stop. Douchebag is a curse, not a "look." Stop it.

1. Stories are like a fine box of wine.
They get better with age and almost always involve you being unreasonably drunk and unspeakably classy. Be smart enough to actually survive through your college days so that you can one day tell the tale of being the legend who successfully climbed Foley theater wearing nothing but black socks while maintaining a full glass of beer.

Cheers.

The Top 3 Halloween Costumes SURE to piss off LMU students

Posted by John

Alright assholes. We figured what better time for YouAreSketch to come back from the dead than the night before Halloween. And since we know that  98% of the people that read this site are slackers, a lot of you might not have your costumes yet. This article isn't going to help you with that. Trust me. These costumes would make Dan Camozzi's dead-Steve Irwin outfit last Halloween look like a Power Ranger. The LMU student body would not be happy running into someone dressed up like one of these at a party. Starting from the top...

3. Racial Slur Drawing Guy

A throwback to the days when a few racist/prejudice words were written on walls in LMU dorms and it ignited a campus-wide manhunt on par with "The Fugitive." All you need for this is a giant marker and shifty eyes. Oh and you gotta be white, because come on. Things not needed for this costume but that the actual guys who draw this shit probably have: low self-esteem, minimum wage job, dislike of professional broadcast sports (except hockey). LMU hates these people with good reason, so if you dress up like this  and run around writing hate speech on random shit, expect to have a beer poured on your head. You might get wet but hey, at least you'd be on the front page of the Loyolan for the next three months.

2. SoCal Wildfire Victim

This one is sure to piss LMU students off because it hits so close to home. A number of students' families found themselves forced to evacuate their homes during the previous week's raging wildfires that swept across southern California. I was costume shopping over the weekend and saw this costume for sale at Spirit and I just shook my head. WIll these corporate pigs stop at NOTHING? Just kidding. You won't find this costume anywhere. If you want to make your own, go ahead... there's a slight chance you'll catch yourself on fire in the process, making yourself an actual burn victim. Except unlike the people unfortunate enough to really experience the SoCal fire, you would actually deserve it for being a giant prick. High five!

1. Darfur Refugee

Oh wow. I don't think there is a single issue that LMU students are more passionate about right now than Darfur. Darfur is without a doubt the "hot" social cause to be seen supporting right now (see: Facebook, Alumni mall), although that doesn't take away from the fact that it is a very real perpetual tragedy that is a source of continuing wide-spread  violence and suffering, making this costume a sure-fire bet to offend people on campus. Or just anywhere in general. This one is sure to get you at least one "Dude. Are you serious?" If you dressed up as this, not only would you be a true asshole in the purest sense of the word, but you would be going straight to hell... if there was one. But don't worry: even if that imaginary guy in the sky wouldn't strike you down, you would probably still get your ass kicked at least once. You dick.

Still confused as to what the Darfur conflict is? Read: What's Darfur Really About?

Runner up: Sanjay

LMU is barely big enough for one Sanjay, which is exactly why a clone of him walking around campus and going to parties would absolutely piss people off. Imagine running into him not eight times a day like usual, but sixteen. Required items for this costume: guitar, matching gym attire, dip, decent singing voice, rental car, thousands of wall posts, and a cut-off.

Got any other ideas for costumes that would piss off LMU students? Leave 'em in the comments.

Comedy Night this Wednesday

Posted by John

Tomorrow night is Comedy Night at Burns Back Court. 7 pm. The details are below. Basically its being thrown by ASLMU, Belles and Sigma Chi. 3 stand up comics, including Alonzo Bodden, the guy that won Last Comic Standing III.

Oh yeah and if you look at the info, one of the comics performing is a girl. I'm not positive, but I'm told she's the first female standup comic ever, which completely makes sense to me, because in my entire life I've probably seen maybe 2.3 girls that are actually funny. For example, the .3 one was a midget that did this trick with a tricycle and bowling pins. It was a laugh riot. Other then that I'm really blanking. But hey, anything is possible so maybe she'll be funny. No one thought we'd ever be able to bring dinosaurs back from the dead either, then they built Jurassic Park. which, btw, completely blows planet earth out of the water as far as documentaries go. oh cool some water. oh look a blade of grass. Wow, thank you discovery channel.  planet earth blows. If I wanted to see the planet I'd go outside and look at it jackass. Why don't you make one about somewhere i've never been, like 'planet jupiter', that I might actually watch. or a planet sex. not sure what that one would really entail but still. come on.

Cash money hoes

Another gem submitted by "Not Sanjay."

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As most of you know, ASLMU has canned our fall concert in favor of… who the hell knows? I’ve heard of some half assed Battle of the Bands, but the chances of me ditching a Friday night for some freshman with too much Guitar Hero aspirations are about as good as a Theta’s chances of getting a PhD. So instead of hearing OAR, Less Than Jake, Gym Class Heroes or any of the thousands of decent college bands ASLMU could have booked, the student body will probably end up with jack… but then it’s not like we’re spending 30,000 bucks a year or anything, right? (contain rising anger)

      Instead of banging my head against my desk for 3 hours, I’ve instead decided to point out a few other ways that ASLMU can make it up to me, the angry LMU student. And God help you Sean Tierney if you so much as mutter the words “diversity event.”

Top Five Ways ASLMU Can Spend The Money They Would Have Spent on Fall Concert

1. Give every student 10   bucks. (Using fuzzy math 5600 x 10 = $56,000 which is well less   than a band would cost) That’s right, give me 10 dollars dammit. If   Ralph’s is having a sale that’s a nice little six pack, which should   help me try and forget that I’m not going to be seeing a fucking concert.

2. Pay people to read the   Loyolan. If I could take back every second I’ve spent glancing   at the Loyolan newsracks as I walk by hoping against hope I might see   a story worth reading, I would. In order that you might save time allow   me to summarize EVERY single Loyolan for you: white people= bad, neighbors   = pissed off, sports teams = mediocre, freshman = dumb, coherence &   grammar = 0. Throw in the occasional borderline socialist rant and you’ve   pretty much summed up our local rag. However, if you paid me like, I   don’t know, 40 bucks I might read it. I’m pretty sure a bum would   read it for 30 if we’re really pinching pennies.

3. Buy Mr. Howard a car.   If you have not experienced the wonder of Mr. Howard, get up right now   walk to Von’s and head to the 15 item express line (You’re buying   alcohol, don’t kid yourself) and introduce yourself to Mr. Howard.   Words barely describe this man’s awesomeness. He is the Mr. Pibb Extra   of the human kind soda analogy I’m stretching to make. There is seriously   no nicer man in the greater Westchester area and it’s high time we   do something about it. Giving him a car says both “We love you for   putting up with our immature alcohol shenanigans” and “We’re giving   you a car because you stomp more ass than Jean Claude Von Damme.”   Mr. Howard rules.

4. PAY FOR A GODDAMN SHUTTLE   TO SHARKEEZ/BAD DOG/WHEREVER. LMU doesn’t like drunk driving.   I don’t like drunk driving. I’m a student, cabs are expensive. LMU   took all my money. Thus using very simple logic (stay with me Alpha   Phi) we can see that diverting money from ASLMU into something useful   like a drunkey cab, is smart. We’ve previously established (see earlier   article) that not a whole lot of studying goes on here. We do know that   a shitload of drinking does go on here- ask your local neighborhood   Nazi for confirmation. Ergo, RUN A GODDAMN CAB. (The first person to   say Lion Express in the comments gets five fingers to the face for being   an idiot)

5. Sponsor an LMU   “Bikini Day” I defy you to find any man walking this campus   that doesn’t think the second coming of Christ would probably be preceded   by an event EXACTLY like this.

So ASLMU, the ball is in your court. Wow me. Or sponsor another “Hall Brawl.” Yippee.

How To Not Suck As a Freshman

User-contributed by a guy who calls himself "Not Sanjay." Sounds good already, doesn't it? Enjoy.

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As the school year begins LMU welcomes in a whole new class of wide eyed alcoholics (freshman). This diverse group is made up of many groups - namely: extremely good looking women and guys who have no idea how to talk to them.  So this being a Jesuit institution and being in serious lack of good deeds to ensure my permanent residence in the big LMU in the school in the sky, I’ve decided to help out our newest Lions. To speed up your education I have assembled some common myths/ideas of college life here at LMU and dissected them for your benefit. (Don’t worry San Diego freshman, I use very small words and short sentences, bra). So put down your Wii controllers gentlemen and put those Smirnoff Ices away ladies. Pay attention- this is freshman myths 101.

   1. “School is hard” No it isn’t. What the hell is the matter with you? Who was your high school English teacher- Elmo? There’s a reason why nearly every LMU student goes out (parties) Tuesday through Saturday nights- THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So quit whining, you’re not scoring points with those of us who have been around here long enough to know the exact moment when you bail on an 9AM class due to rising vomit. (Answer: as soon as the sign-in sheet hits your desk) 

Recommended Reading: “5 Keys to an MRS Major” by Alpha Phi

   2. “I raged hard last night” This phrase makes me want to punch through every glass window in U-Hall. You raged last night, eh? You raged??? Well slap me silly; putting down those 3 games of beer pong really must have done you in champ. Piss off. Somehow I doubt those shady bottles of Pabst (note to Freshman, unless you are a certified ADG drunk, sack up and drop the extra two dollars for Keystone, Jesus) that you’re hiding from your RA will put a dent in the 48 hour shitshow that is an LMU trip to Vegas. If you haven’t had your picture taken passed out on the escalator to the Venetian then I doubt you’ve raged.

Recommended Reading: “Where Am I? Who the hell are you?” by The ROAR

   3. I know “insert lame ass reality TV star here/washed up shitty celebrity here” Wow, you hooked up with the guy who hooked up with the whore from “I’m A Huge Whore” show on MTV? Oh. My. God. You are at least as totally famous as NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. Dropping a name in L.A. isn’t cool, unless that name is Jessica Biel and I’m doing the dropping insinuating I hook up with her on a regular basis.

Recommended Reading: “I Still Suck” by LMU Alumni Carson Daly

   4. “Living on Campus is Sick” Really? I bet in six months you’ll be super stoked on the 3AM fire alarms and RA inspections. And let me tell ya, there is nothing better than a sanctimonious RA looking down on you as she pours out your 30 pack. One by one. I’ll gladly take an angry neighbor over running away in boxers with a handle to avoid my 3rd meeting with Judicial Affairs. Once my neighbor looked at me while I was drinking on my porch… AND THAT’S ALL THAT HAPPENED.  Private property… bitch.

Recommended Reading: “I’m Still Here, Assholes: Navigating Judicial Affairs Like A Pro” by Pretty Much Everyone

Well that just about wraps it up kids. Remember when in doubt, shut the hell up and drink your beer. No one can ever make fun of you for that… unless you are a huge tool.

We get an advice columnist... with boobs

Posted by John

In case you can't read, as of today, we've officially taken on an advice columnist. Oh, and she's a girl. Occasionally girls talk to us. And by us, I mean me and Sanjay. Oh, and the column is going to be kinda serious. Meaning, she will answer real questions in her most genuine way possible. You won't know who she is (fuck you rory), and she won't know who you are, but it will work. Trust me. Your questions can be long, short, detailed, whatever. If you want to hit on her that's fine too. She's single. And I know writers are the most attractive people in the world, especially ones that write on the internet. At least thats what a scientist told me. I've never really trusted those guys though. Gravity? Hello how do you know it exists if you CAN'T SEE IT genius? I think this will work out well because girls are the best people to ask for advice. I mean, some girls. And only when they aren't drunk. Fortunately our secret columnist is a devout born again christian and never touches alcohol except on Rash hashana. Just kidding... do you really think sober people would be friends with us?

Anyways here is her SELF INTRODUCTION which will be 102344 times better than mine. Be careful because sometimes she uses big words like "self-deprecating." I know, right? Who the hell does she think she is. If you're like JV and English isn't your first language, or if you're a film major, go slow.

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Being an advice columnist will not always be easy. I may have to defend myself against LMU students who think that I’m being condescending, though this will always be untrue. I do not talk down to anyone, but I do judge people. All I know about other kids at this school I have assumed by their appearances – this is not superficial, but logical. I judge people based on the choices they make, like how fat they get at college or how fake their Louis Vuitton is. You can’t deny the importance of first impressions, and I am simply here to help you. Los Angeles is full of beauty, but you have to be a romantic to see it. I can turn your worst day into the first day of the rest of your life; only, I’m not trying to sleep with you, or ever actually meet you for that matter. If you eventually recognize me, I’d appreciate your continued respect for the anonymous. John, Sanjay, and JV are each charmingly self-deprecating enough to seem humble. Being a girl, I seem bitchy for calling people out. Let me give you some advice. I can upgrade you; switch your neckties to purple labels (if you catch my drift.) I know a lot about material things, because I live here. I know a lot about art, because I was raised abroad. I know a lot about relationships, because I’ve had too many. There is nothing that shocks or offends me; so please, try your hardest.

I will use pop culture references a lot, simply because it is the easiest way to relate to people. I am a lot like Belle from “Beauty and the Beast.” I read too much, and people think I’m a little crazy; I have brown hair and eyes, so we almost look alike, too. I want to save people, and all of my friends are already happy; all we ever have to do is go to class. Do you honestly think you have your school year planned perfectly? I know Greek life here makes it ok to get lazy and only use facebook to socialize. If you want friends that you don’t meet through the Internet, you’re going to have to step up your game. Think of it this way: facebook right now is like e-harmony in 5 years. If you’re using it and you go to LMU, it’s probably harmless, but do you really want to be the college graduate who has to use the Internet to find love? No, you don’t. Because you’ll only meet ugly people, and noone truly wants that.

Take pride in your appearance and in your academics, but do not forget there is life outside of Westchester. Westwood and my new apartment have opened my eyes to Hollywood and partying without getting in trouble; I am only 20, but I’m a Catholic so I have been drinking on a weekly basis since I got that First Communion. My father was a military spy from Atlanta Georgia, and my mother was Miss Betty Crocker home-make of tomorrow for the state of California. I should be the next Martha Stuart, but you need my advice before it’s too late.

Give me an anonymous chance at making your life better, I know that I can. Naivety is bliss, ignorance is blinding.

- Mystery advice columnist that is a girl

Send questions to advice@youaresketch.com, or just post it in the comments so everyone can read it and laugh at your hopeless situation. Hey, at least you're not Sanjay.
 

Sketch Predictions Part 2 of 3

Posted by Jay

In no particular order...

1. Sarah Bauer will lose her virginity

2. Dan will prove to get no more interesting over the next semester (... wait, who's Dan?!)

3. Iggy, our school mascot, will run dog fights and get arrested

4. JV will get kicked off ASLMU cabinet

5. Sean Tierney will be on the cover of the Loyolan at least 4 times

6. John, JV or myself will get expelled

7. Sodexho will become so powerful that if you bring a donut from Yum Yum's on campus a campus-wide alarm will go off and a lazer beam will destroy your donut

8. Andrew Beck will legalize marijuana in ASLMU Senate

9. There will be a Rodney King-like bashing at Bad Dog on Thursdays... the victim will most definitely be one of the residents of the Playa house

10. A SoCal skateboard fuck will fall at the Lair patio and students will laugh at him

11. Someone will use their intellect and campus power to start renting out tables at Convo and study rooms during Finals Week at Von-Der-Gay library

12. Someone will mysteriously steal John's IPhone from his room when he is sleeping and not give it back for a long time

13. MAXIM will shoot their Christmas issue at the LMU gym

14. Some guy will come out and say he was "groped" at a DZ exchange and then the entire Sig Ep fraternity will take an extra dose of testosterone and get pissed

15. At least one Theta will flash a party, one DG will get jealous and flash herself, one Alpha Phi will be about to flash but then will realize she wants another Vodka Tonic, and then a Tri Delt... I think I'll stop here

Sketch Predictions Part 1 of 3

Posted by JV.

Over the course of the next few days, we will be making our predictions for the upcoming school year. While it would be too easy to say things like a Sig Ep will tear a pec muscle bench pressing, a Theta (most likely Slammin' Sami) will get too blacked out for an exchange or a Beta will...I don't know...appear at a Star Wars convention, these predictions may or may not happen, but considering the sketchiness of some of the things that transpire at LMU, I'd say they're pretty accurate.

1. There will be a "racist" issue on campus. There are three things that are certain to happen at LMU: Convo Hour, a Whelan third-floor resident getting her stomach pumped and a "racist" situation. I quote racist, because as we all know, racism is taken out of proportion at LMU. Far be it for me to suggest that ALL racism issues on campus are taken out of proportion because like the incident my freshman year where the campus came together to combat discrimination, there are times where it is not only a legitimate issue but a necessity to purge these bigots. However, the operative term is legitimate. Campus media, particularly our beloved Loyolan (haha) can't seem to find the difference between some drunken stick figure drawing in Rosecrans and a swastika. I can see the potential, breaking news Loyolan headlines now: STUDENT DISLIKES HER SUSHI AND THROWS IT AWAY. LEAF IN HANNON APARTMENTS FOUND IN THE SHAPE OF A SWASTIKA. BLACK MARKER FOUND IN ST. ROBS SEPARATED FROM THE BLUE, RED, AND GREEN ONES: POSSIBLE RACIST INTENT. Give me a fucking break. Does the Loyolan have nothing better to do than misconstrue typically harmless events? There's so much more interesting shit going on on campus. ASLMU events(shameless plug #1), Greek events, freshgirls at parties, service org projects you name it. There's no reason to be a shit-instigator and perpetuate the diversity uneasiness that apparently exists on this campus. If Loyolan readers wanted to read something stupid, they'd go to this site (shameless plug #2).

2. Bad Dog Ale House will be the New Harry O's. Not Mad Cow. Or Big Dog. Or Mad Dog. Bad Dog. While the events of the past week have given the place some bad pub, let's be honest, LMU students are ADD and are over it within a week. No matter how great any bar can be at any given night, LMU students still want to go somewhere else...again, ADD. Especially with legendary promoters Ryan Silver and Pat Volosin in the mix to get this place going, there's no doubt that by the time the year is over, there is no fake ID wielding/21 year old LMU student that hasn't heard of this place. Forget that the place looks shady. Forget that it has some creep regulars. OR that it gets hot as fuck inside. AND that the cop station is around the corner. AND that it is being monitored by El Segundo police for alleged drug trafficking. LMU students just wanna fuckin' dance, and they've got a decent dance floor and cheap booze to satisfy you. So bring your besties and get ready to sweat profusely.

3. A.C. Supper Club aka "FlowMotion" will be the New Harry O's. According to the Facebook group, the place boasts "LIveMuSic,DJ,DrInKs,and a posh hangout for LMUers." Now I'm not sure why it looks like it was written by a 12 year old Asian chick but nonetheless, the description is pretty accurate. Though you'd swear you thought you were in Hollywood, it's actually conveniently situated in between a KMart, soup kitchen and a bum named Earl. One of the only things I remember from the night I was there other than Thomas Ousterhout dryhumping some chick was that the place had a sick bar. Like it had all of their alcohol displayed Vegas style as if meaning to say, "Yeah we know we're in Venice and we have limpdicks like Jonny Luis promoting for us, but fuck you, we can still afford Popov!". So if you're ever around the Venice bodegas looking for a bong, mousy on over to FlowMotion or AC Supper Club or AC or whatever the fuck it's called afterward and pay $9 for a mixed drink in Venice! Sweet!

4. Someone Will Get Seriously Injured because of the Poorly Thought Out Detour in the Middle of Campus. I get it. We're building a new library. A library that most of us won't benefit from. But that doesn't mean campus should be less safe because of it. As it is, most LMU students drive like fucking maniacs. But then throw in the bro'd out skateboarders, the oblivious cell phone talkers who wouldn't know if God walked in front of them, cheerleaders on Razor Scooters (WTF is that all about anyway) and the antisocial iPod listeners and chances are, by the time the year is over, someone will have gotten hit by a car. By no means am I wanting this to happen, but whoever is or was responsible for designing the detour out in front of Hilton should be ready to pay for someone's reconstructed hip flexor. I'm sure they could've come up with something better than what's out there. If ASLMU (plug #3) can get Slightly Stoopid, Yellowcard, and Dane Cook to school, I'm sure the administration can devise a better way for students to move around campus.

5. We Will Repost the Sorority Article. We can't get in trouble after graduation, right?

GLOW (The Death of the Foam Party)

Posted by John

First: the foam party is canceled this year. I know. I cried too.  Apparently, the prestigiously-named "Committee on the Status of Women" here on campus refused to sign off on the event this year due to their fear that girls might be groped during the party. I personally feel sorry for the freshman class of '11 (who, by the way, the writers of this website *do not* hate as suggested by a freshman girl in a recent conversation with Sanjay) will never get to experience the sheer joy that was the annual Sig Ep foam party, and yes, I think that the reason it was canceled is a little ridiculous. First, it is unknown if the committee even received a single formal complaint about a girl being "groped" during the previous foam party. Second, lets be honest, at almost any dance there is at least some level of "groping," depending on what your definition of the term is. Girls get groped in clubs all around Los Angeles and Hollywood on an hourly basis, yet those clubs continue to successfully operate. I'm not saying its right, just that its as easy for girls to be felt up on a normal dance floor as it is on one that happens to be filled with foam. If you actually feel assaulted by somebody, find out who they are and file a complaint or take legal action, don't shut down an entire event. Its a foam party, not a pitch black party, ok. You can still see people. According to this committee, next time someone robs a bank they should just cover themselves in foam before they walk up to the counter. I'm sure that would work well. OH MY GOD WHERE DID THEY GO? I guess criminals are stupid which is why they never try intelligent things like this. Actually I heard foam is one of the secret techniques ninjas used to kill people without anyone seeing them during the Ming dynasty era (can you confirm this JV?). Seriously what do they think foam is capable of. It doesn't have a mind of its own or something. Its not like the crazy alloy shit in Terminator 2 that can just meld together to form a hand by itself and grab someone. Although personally I think that would be totally sweet.

Regardless, the foam party is gone. But don't worry freshman girls / senior guys. The constantly-plotting party strategists of Sig Ep have used their hearts of gold to come up with another event that is sure to become another LMU tradition. Here's the info, stolen straight from Facebook. Also, an unnamed source tells me that if you get really high and stare at the Glow logo it really fucking trips you out, which I believe is just another reason to go to this thing.

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GLOW: A Blacklight Party
Friday, August 31, 2007 at 8:30pm
Location: Burns Back Court

NO purses, bags, or backpacks will be allowed and NO re-entry.

Tickets are $10. Come and be ready to kick the year off right! Tickets will be available at convo (Tuesdays and Thursdays between 12:00pm and 1:30pm on the Lair Patio).

For more information call--

Lucas 818 681 8311
Benet 310 422 9110

Wear white and bring your highlighters and be ready for a night of mayhem!

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So break out those highlighters that your mom bought you when you were back to school shopping and put them to actual use. Everyone look for Ian Wetzel there, he'll be the only guy that will show up with 30 girl's numbers already written on his shirt that he personally drew on himself before he came out to the party.

The 100th Post!

Posted by Jay

We have officially reached a milestone: the 100th post on YouAreSketch, which just happens to coincide perfectly with our one year anniversary. Congratulations readers, you have allowed John, JV and I to run our mouths to such an extent that we are actually starting to think we are somewhat popular and that our company is mildly enjoyed by others (both of which are completely untrue). This website has served as a "forum for student opinion," and will remain as such. And remember... When I say "forum for student opinion," I mean completely biased and close-minded propoganda with a narrow scope and obscenely inappropriate topics that merit no real discussion.

What fuels you guys to keep this website going? That is one question that always seems to surface in discussing our anniversary. I guess the best answer is that this website keeps my life interesting and exciting. I mean, this website has really changed my life for the better over the past year. How, you ask? Last year, I was some booknerd who hung out at my desk studying half the day and layed pretty low. One year, five hundred Ketel Tonics and a 2.7 GPA later, the only extracurricular activity I partake in is running away from that Tri Delt who is somehow still bitter about the sorority article. That can be reduced into girls chasing me around campus. And I mean without the website, I would never have college girls chasing after me, right? Right. Awesome.

To commemorate this very special occasion and to show how YouAreSketch has made for some very interesting moments, I have compiled a "Top 10 YouAreSketch Moments" list... enjoy...

Top 10 YouAreSketch Moments

10. The Horrible "YouAreSketch GOES TO VEGAS!" Promotion Idea: Early last school year, we thought a good promotion idea for the site would be to stage a trip and document (blog and video) our entire vacation. Shocking, the three of us chose Vegas as the scene due to its inherent sketchiness... and for other reasons. Two handles of Smirnoff later, JV was blacked out dead, John lost all his money playing craps for five minutes, and I destroyed my camera with my bare hands. In an effort to recover whatever was left from my memory card, he found one picture. Yes... it is the homoerotic, critically-acclaimed photo directly above this post that we will never live down. Oh yeah, that reminds me, I was supposed to submit that photo to Virginia Tech Campus Police for record-keeping purposes.

9. Rory: Okay, whoever the fuck this "Rory" girl is, she has definitely been the star-commenter (a.k.a. I have to send her comments to a lab to uncover their true meaning because they're so fucking confusing) of the past year. We don't know much about her. We don't know how old she is. We don't know what color hair she has. We don't know that she doesn't have autism. What do we know? She is a huge whore who has verbally-committed to engaging in sex with all three of us at different points in the past year. JV can't wait!

8. The FRAT!!! Article: It is one thing to make fun of our posts. It is something completely different to criticize an anonymous post the way readers did with this one. I could not help but laugh when every post followed in the same fashion: "WHAT A FUCKING DOUSCHE!!! Honestly one of the worst things I've ever read... I would rather get branded and socially-alienated for life than read this one more time. What was this piece of shit thinking?!?!" Don't hold back... Any other constructive criticism? Jesus.

7. When John Got an IPhone: I can't decide which is a bigger deal... the fact that we've been around for a year, or the fact that John has NASA intelligence at his fingertips. I hear that just by holding it in your palm, it measures your blood-alcohol level, it can pinpoint which girls around you are most aroused, and most importantly for John... can predict your mood.

6. Rejecting An Article: There is nothing more invigorating and exciting than telling some kid his article isn't good enough for our website. Do you know how bad an article has to be to not make the cut? You have to be almost as bad as JV. You would not believe some of the shit we get. This one kid sent us a comic strip about how an IPod gets into a fight with ITunes or something like that. Although intriguing, not at all topical. Then there was the gentleman who decided to send us poetry. He must have had us confused with YouAreGay.Com. Or maybe he just wanted JV to take him to Casablanca.

5. That One Time Taryn's Mom Googled Her Name and All That Came Up Were YouAreSketch Articles: Some girls are famous for winning awards. Some girls get praised for athletic ability (haha). But when your Mom googles your name, and the first result that comes up is a link to an article on our website discussing how you black out and hook up with guys, now THAT IS REAL RECOGNITION!!! Although she almost shot me at the time, I gradually argued that she should see the real value in being unique and not like all those other prude girls. I told her that there was no glory achieving common greatness like the rest of those girls, but instead she was different and made a name for herself in another way. Four weeks later... she had herpes.

Just kidding Taryn's Mom.

4. Almost Getting Expelled: In the weeks after judicial action was taken against me, common questions were "HOW BAD WAS YOUR GPA?!" and "Dude, where did you get caught dropping acid?" I am officially the first student in the country to get in trouble with the university over a YouAreSketch article / FaceBook wall post. In hindsight, I probably should not have posted pictures of students passed out drunk on the Class of 2011 FaceBook group and written an expose on how to sneak alcohol into freshman dorms. Not smart. But I'll give it to them -- well done administration! Forget about the drug problem, SoCal kids mauling over small children with their skateboards, and students dropping out... Let's go after FaceBook crimes! I don't know whether I was just an easy target or whether they got bored, but nonetheless, I have disproved the common misconception that actions speak louder than words.

3. The Sketch Posterchild of the Week: I can take credit for this mental masterpiece. When I came up with the idea for a weekly sketch posterchild, I was under the impression that it would become a venue for drawing attention to prominent figures on campus who were HELLA sketch. What it became blew my large and intelligent mind. Like its predecessor, the "I'm Extremely Overrated" FaceBook group started by Matt Shanfield, people began to beg me to highlight them as Posterchild. Did they miss the point? It is a definite NEGATIVE to be overrated or Sketch Posterchild. Yet people still wanted their 15 Minutes of Sketch.

2. JV's Recent "Dismissal": This is the first time John and I have spoken about this on the website and it pains me to do so. Unfortunately, JV has recently been ranting and raving about his new job on ASLMU and due to his constant campus presence, school spirit and newfound scholastic diligence, John and I have found him unfit to retain his position as YouAreSketch correspondent. He was "dismissed" a week ago without severance or even a gentleman's handshake because John and I have maintained strict confidentiality and behavioral standards here at YouAreSketch and JV has grossly violated both. So, here is the moment you have all been waiting for: YOUARESKETCH IS HIRING AN INTERN! You will be thoroughly trained on how to talk shit effortlessly, make fun of defenseless freshmen, and wear cut-off T-shirts at Convo. Oh yeah... and this is the first time JV has been informed of his dismissal so go easy on him in the coming weeks.

and

1. The Sorority Article: What a genuinely momentous event this was. I mean, I never could have imagined the shitstorm this article created. Was it funny? Yes. Was it crude? Yes. Was it a little fucked up? Uh huh. But was it true? Absolutely. Although emphatically denying this article's credibility at first, preaching lines like "It was a complete joke!" and "Yeah, I know -- that guy is an IDIOT for writing that...", I can honestly say after the fact that this was the greatest YouAreSketch moment of the past year. It was so great in fact that our analytics made Google look like a paralyzed seagull; not to mention that it spawned a black market for the article that continues to this very day. It was so popular in fact that people actually tried to hack into Jorgensen's IPhone to get it from his email, but they were rejected when his phone spoke to them in foreign tongues asking for a retina scan before access could be granted. The funniest part about this article was that it was completely randomly, coincidently released during Rush Week... ooooooops.

No but seriously... this website has made each of our lives significantly worse... CHEERS!